It’s amazing how easily we can lie to ourselves when we are desperate for that nagging voice in the back of minds to be wrong. It’s amazing how, despite someone letting us down countless times or showing us that they cannot give us the love we desire or need, we will find reasons to justify their behavior. We’ll find some awful event which happened to them years ago and tell ourselves that maybe they cannot express their feelings or show affection or do any number of tiny, insignificant things we wish they would, that they should be doing. That we do every day.
Because to accept that, to see someone for who they are—not an idealized version, not a version of them you wish they would be or a version you “know deep down they are” and that they are just taking their time in being, who we need them to be, is heart-breaking.
It’s accepting that they will never be the person you want them to be. That they can never love you in all of the ways you crave to be loved.
And it’s easier to lie, its easier to stop keeping track of the ways they let you down and close your eyes to the bright red alarm signals which go off every other day. It’s easier to hurt, to be disappointed, to crave more, than to be alone. To accept that despite everything you have put into this relationship, despite the obstacles you had to jump over and the sacrifices you had to make to get here, they aren’t who you imagined they would be.
You keep waiting and you keep hoping and you drive yourself insane trying to think of reasons why they can’t for the love of God, just be better. Why they can’t open up to you, let you read their hearts like an open book and swim the depths of their soul. It is exhausting to give so much of yourself, to be your best self, give all of your heart to only get a fraction in return.
It is impossible to be both people in a relationship and to then nurse your wounds when you realize you keep jumping and he’s not catching you.
He’s watching you fall to your knees, sob and wipe the blood with the back of your hand before telling you it’s your own fault for being knocked down, it’s your own fault you keep getting hurt, it is your own fault for needing more, and then turning away.
And you can feel something twisting inside of you, you feel yourself beginning to take blame for not receiving the love you give. You tell yourself that maybe you aren’t worthy, that maybe they’re still in love with their ex or just maybe this relationship isn’t as important to them as it is to you. And it feels like heaviness in your heart, a darkness clouding your mind, a constant question spinning on the tip of your tongue.
Do I walk away?
And maybe you can’t answer that yet, maybe you still find yourself trapped in his room when you wish you could run. Maybe your mind and heart are conflicted. Maybe you just need more time to realise he won’t ever change. That this is it. That you can’t even tell him how you feel because it will be YOUR fault, it’s YOUR insecurities and YOU’RE making him feel like crap for even talking about how you feel.
But sweet girl, you’ll find your courage soon. You’ll grow tired of being let down and giving more than you will ever receive.
Because this, this isn’t what love is. This isn’t what the songs are written about; this isn’t what epic love stories are made of.
And you deserve an epic love story, I promise.