I’m the crazy girl.
I’ll over analyze every word you say and every text you send. I’ll spend hours decoding it to work out what is you’re trying to say without actually having to say it. I’ll stalk every single one of your exes and decipher all of the ways I fall short, in comparison to them. I’ll lay there at night and imagine you with them; your lips pressed against their forehead, your fingers running across their palm and your bodies intertwined beneath the sheets, and I’ll lose myself.
I won’t believe you when you say you’re telling me the truth. If you go out with the lads and don’t text me all night but become overly nice the next day, I’ll think it’s because you fucked another girl in the bar toilets and are overcompensating. If you don’t let me meet your friends within the first three months, I’ll think it’s because you’re embarrassed of me. Because I’m not thin enough or pretty enough or smart enough. I’ll go through your phone at the first possible chance I get to check you aren’t talking to other girls and even the most innocent texts will haunt me when I close my eyes at night.
I try so hard every day to not be insane. I try to push my “crazy girl brain” into the darkness of my mind and be rational but it’s hard, and it’s even harder when I know what you’re capable of. Sometimes I just wish I could switch it off. Sometimes I get so tired of being inside my own head that I just want to sleep but then I dream about you cheating on me and when I wake up I feel myself slipping, falling into the hole where everything is awful because you’re a liar and a cheat, and you hate me.
But the thing is, I think all girls have this side to them, some of us are just better at controlling it than others. Sometimes the smallest thing can get us caught up in this web of paranoia and even when we’re three hours deep into a full on Facebook stalking, account hacking trap, fully aware of our insanity, we can’t escape.
To hold us tightly against your chest and whisper in our ears that you’ve never loved anyone the way you love us because sometimes, that’s all it takes. Please don’t use our insecurities against us because trust me, they hurt us more than they hurt you and above all, please don’t label us crazy to the next girl in your life because beneath that sweet, understanding, cool girl, is a crazy one; all she needs is ammo.