It’s been almost a month, now. One month since I realized I needed to free myself from you. It was my choice. My decision. But that doesn’t mean that I’m fine.
The things you said to me, the very last things you said, are with me every single day. You told me that I drive people away. You said that I am the reason people leave. I know I can be hard to live with. I know that. But I loved you. I loved you more than anything in the world. I loved you more than I have ever loved myself. I guess that was the problem. I guess I loved you too much.
I watch you. You probably don’t know that. You probably think I don’t care anymore. But just because I don’t answer your texts and I don’t like your posts doesn’t mean I don’t care. I watch you, and I see that you’re healing. I know you think you’re not, but I can see that you are because I know what it’s like not to heal. I know what it looks like when someone isn’t eating, isn’t sleeping, isn’t functioning. I know what it looks like when someone is completely broken.
You are okay, and I am the farthest thing from it. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever know what it is like to not have a broken heart. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to walk through life without this physical pain in my chest. I wonder if I’ll ever be rid of that unnerving sense of knowing I am above ground, but simultaneously feeling as though I am sinking into it.
I know that you are okay, and I want you to be okay, but not just yet. I’m not quite ready for you to be okay yet. I want you to be hurt. I want you to suffer. I want you to be punished for all the anguish you put me through.
But that’s not how it goes. You are okay, and I am the farthest thing from it. You are healing and laughing and going out and having fun. Soon, you will find someone new and win them over with your beautiful eyes and your natural charisma, and I will spend every night alone, curled up in bed and watching the same TV shows over and over and over.
Because you are right. I drive people away, I am hard to live with, and I get too close and love too much. You, on the other hand, are a free spirit. You’re funny and charismatic and you own every room you walk into. So while you are over there enjoying your freedom and independence, I will stay here. Trapped within myself and trying to heal. You will be okay, and I will be the farthest thing from it.