12 Things I’d Like To Post On Social Media (But I Value My Life Too Much To Post)

1. A photo of my dog looking annoyed and ignored two minutes after I took a photo of my dog looking playful and happy and posted it on Instagram.

2. A chart separating Facebook friends into the following categories: actual friends, actual acquaintances, actual people I went to high school with, actual people I know but wouldn’t acknowledge even under threat of bodily injury or death, family members and strangers with cute photos who are likely catfish but who sent me a friend request when I happened to be particularly horny and/or lonely.

3. A Transformation Tuesday photo tracking me at the following stages: toddler in adorable outfit, awkward middle school acne, respectable high school weight, college weight gain, self-conscious post-college weight loss, quarter-life crisis weight gain, and me in the present, turned at an absurd but flattering angle, contorting my head to portray only one chin.

4. A mysterious Facebook status update insinuating I’m doing something really cool or trendy, posted on a Saturday night when I’m home alone and nobody has texted me to make plans.

5. Buzzfeed quiz results revealing that I’m a pro at manipulating Buzzfeed quizzes to self-identify as the most popular character on a TV series.

6. A photo album of me on vacation standing in front of something truly amazing, viewing it through the display on my iPhone and looking visibly annoyed that I can’t effectively frame a photo in the “square” shape to post on Instagram.

7. A Throwback Thursday of me sitting alone outside during middle school recess drinking a full-calorie Coca-Cola, followed by tens of likes from the assholes who were standing just outside the frame who wouldn’t speak to me then but think we’re buds on Facebook now.

8. Snapchats of family during the holidays with text quoting complaints about shopping, cooking, and over-obligation for social events and church activities.

9. Pinterest photos of As Seen on TV® products that I will eventually purchase while drunk at 2am, convinced that I’m getting the deal that’s only available for the next 30 minutes.

10. A photo of me surrounded by really cute and popular people I don’t know very well (or at all) with a caption announcing that I’m photobombing but wish I had real friends this cool and attractive.

11. Instead of staging a selfie with an iPad, Starbucks coffee and luxury grooming products, I’d like to stage a selfie surrounded by the real shit in my life: empty Doritos bags, a partly mildewed half-Frosty from Wendy’s in the refrigerator, paper photos of my ex hidden in a shoebox underneath my bed, the seven half-used bottles of lube in my bedside table and a 1TB external hard drive exclusively devoted to porn, all featuring me wearing a 100% cotton Hanes t-shirt with a screen print that says “Seniors of ’96.”

12. An intellectually sound and thoughtfully reasoned opinion on a controversial political or social issue that gives due respect to opposing viewpoints and invites a mature and informed discourse among respectful adults. TC mark

featured image – Leon Lee

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