I’m A Broken Mirror Waiting To Become Stained Glass

April Killingsworth
April Killingsworth

We all feel alone at some point. Some of us for longer periods of time than others, but I’m sure every soul on Earth has experienced loneliness. It’s funny how we can feel totally alone in a place that’s way too crowded for our taste. Is that even possible? How can I feel that lonely when there are around three hundred people around me? I know my friends and family loves me and would do anything for me, to make me happy; but at the same time I feel so empty and lacking love, that it’s difficult to actually believe someone cares about me.

It’s sad when you realize that you have a void inside you, and even after you’ve tried everything to fill it, nothing seems to work. Instead the void keeps growing and with that it keeps dragging you towards it, waiting to suck you entirely.

Well that’s how I feel. I’ve tried everything trying to fill that void and nothing seems to work. It’s not emptiness, but a feeling of loneliness and despair. As time keeps running by the void increases in size and I fear that someday it will consume me. Oh and I know many people would be happy with it, and that´s for sure.

I scream in pain to everyone surround me, but it’s like nobody can hear me. I scream louder and louder with no response. I’m crying now and my screams fade away in the silence that surrounds me. The more I try, the more I convince myself that no one will ever hear me. Why ask for help when no one listens?

It’s like being in a horror movie where the killer is chasing you and you scream for help, but no one seems to care about what happens to you. I know my bestie and my sister are trying to help me, but it’s difficult not to feel this way, when every person I start trusting and opening my heart to, simply leaves… It feels like God is playing some kind of mean joke to me by letting me meet amazing people who I grow to trust and love and when I most need them, He takes them away… This makes me ask myself: “Should I trust someone else? Maybe if I don’t they won’t leave.”

Maybe this is just one of the many tests we get in life and the nightmare will be over soon, or maybe I just have the worst luck ever or the one up there hates me or I don’t know.

As Avril Lavigne once said: “’Cause nothing’s going right, and everything’s a mess, and no one likes to be alone. Isn’t anyone trying to find me? Won’t somebody come take me home?” With time I start forgetting who I am and who I want to be. The happy and loving guy my friends met is no longer there.

What they see now is an empty shell, the remains of a brave and loving soul which is now lost in the sea of loneliness. Feels like life was sucked out of me by that void. Now a quiet and distant dude replaced my true self.

I fear getting hurt again by the one’s I trust, but also I fear trusting no one and end up even more alone than what I feel right now.

I know my friends are worried, at least my true and closest friends are. And it hurts me to see them really concerned about me, trying to do anything to make me feel like myself, to make me feel loved. I know people love me, my mind already knows that. I just can’t feel it. I don’t feel loved at all and that’s killing me. My loneliness comes as a result of that lack of love I’m experiencing.

When I look at myself it’s like looking at a beautiful mirror, but all of the sudden something smashes it and the mirror is completely broken.

Pieces fall everywhere and I start trying to put them all together, and even though I’m able to put some of them in their place, the crack is still visible, and because there’s nothing to hold them together or stick them into place, they fall again and break even more. That’s the image of myself at the moment.

I know that it will take a lot of time for me to get over this, but I’m certain that even though I’m all broken and alone, the beauty of my mirror is that from the pieces that are all scattered on the floor, color will invade them, and different tonalities will fill them, and little by little, step by step they’ll join to become a gorgeous stained glass.

We have to be broken to truly find ourselves, and I’ve learned a lot in this journey of loneliness hoping that someday it will be over and I finally can fill that void inside me, but most important, get back to the old me, to believe in love once again. TC mark

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