This Is My Life After Your Death

Chris Lawton
Chris Lawton

When someone around you commits the act of killing him/herself, you start to live in a different world from that point on. It makes it harder and easier to love everyone who’s come into your life. It changes your outlook on many things and gets you thinking late at night. Everyone copes with death differently. Some of us are more sensitive, but there are others who were closer to the people, but can take the pain with a grain of salt.

Love becomes easier in the sense that you never want to feel the same pain again.

You make sure that everyone around you, close to you or not, knows how you feel about them at any given moment. You might not realize you are doing this and the bodies around you might just think you are having a moment because no one knows the real truth. The truth that you loved someone that you unfortunately is gone now. You could have loved this person in many different ways weather it be friend, foe or significant other. Your perception of people becomes different, you start to accept people more easily and sympathize with them more. With this newfound love toward everyone, you open yourself to many people who you think you need to be friends with even if they aren’t necessarily good and you get hurt. You get hurt but it’s okay because at least they know you were there and that you love them no matter what because love become ten times easier.

Love also becomes harder, so much harder. You don’t want to let anyone in; you don’t want them to know that you’ve changed as a person.

Why should you allow someone to get to know you if you are afraid that something bad is going to happen out of the blue. Parts of yourself become closed off. For years you keep so many things concealed because something can just happen and you won’t be prepared for any of it. Hell, I know I wasn’t.

“I don’t want to burden you with my problems,” a friend of mine said once. It would never be a burden to me if I could try and ease someone’s pain.

The slightest cut from concrete could send you running toward their side so that they know they aren’t alone. Their problems start to affect you too. Having a taste into the death of a loved person in your life makes you look at the actions of your friends differently. “Why do you care so much if I drink, smoke or do drugs.” BECAUSE IT’S HARD TO LOSE SOMEONE ELSE. IT’S REALLY FUCKING HARD.

If only I had said “hello” that one day would you still be alive? All I want is to hear you tease me again about the things I loved. We weren’t the closest, but your death still affects me. I’ve kept a lot of things to myself, weird little things, like the comment on your Instagram. It reads “Where have you been,” and long after you’ve been gone a comment showed up that says “Heaven.”

I’ve drunk-cried to people about you and those times were the first time I’ve talked about you in a while.

It’s hard because life goes on with or without you.

Would I be in the position I’m in now if you were still here? Would I constantly feel bad? I only focus on our photo and not the events of the day it was taken, almost like I’m forgetting every detail. I like to look at the Facebook page created in your honor. Your own Facebook account reads “Remembering” and then your name. I’m happy that you can at least be honored in that way.

People aren’t going to understand me, or my ways, or my love. When I get angry or mad at them for doing something they love but could possible harm them. I’m going to keep your memory alive by acting as a friend towards everyone. If I do finally open up, I hope people understand. I think about your family and your other friends from time to time.

I see how they don’t really interact anymore but remembering the night we all got together will forever stick in my head. I don’t know who to talk to about all the things I’m trying to remember about you and how people helped me after you were gone. Those are the people I cherish the most, the ones who lived through it with me and will understand me when I see them again.

I’m glad you are happy and at peace with yourself and enjoying all that the afterlife can give you. I’m doing fine, it just gets hard from time to time but I’ve made it this far. I look out for my friends more because of you. As much as I want you to look over us, I much rather have you enjoy the good life up above. Don’t worry about us we have each other.

Thank you for everything. I miss you. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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