So many of my clients ask me whether dating more than one man at a time is a wise idea. As their search for love heats up, suddenly there are a multiple men who are interested in them and they don’t know how to handle it. The other scenario is that these women fall in love too quickly with one guy and end up heartbroken time after time. Have either of these situations happened to you?
When I was looking for love, I often dated up to three guys simultaneously. I wasn’t trying to hit some number in the Guinness Book of World Records. Rather, my goal was simple: to find a guy I could date more than three times, hoping this would lead to a relationship.
Frequently, men would drop out after one, two or three dates. Since there was no way to know who would stick around, I dated as many guys as I was interested in at the same time. That’s why I’m an advocate for “volume dating.”
I dated 30 men in 15 months in order to eventually meet my husband.
This is very different than dating more than one person long-term. Let me explain what I mean by “dating.” From my perspective as a dating coach, dating entails only the first four to ten dates. Once you have an unspoken date on Saturday night (you both just already know you’ll have plans with each other), you have moved into the first phase of a relationship.
I point this out because within the first few dates with one man, you shouldn’t allow yourself to feel so emotionally attached that seeing someone else would be a problem. Remember, until you’re in an exclusive relationship where this status has been discussed and agreed on, you are free to seek out other partners. So, I want to be clear—a few dates with a guy is by no means a “relationship” with him.
Problems arise when women feel prematurely attached to a man, which makes them unwilling to date other guys. This limits your options before you even know if you’re on the right path. That’s how heartbreak happens—when you think you’ve found “the one” after two dates, and then he never calls again.
Here are some reasons why dating more than one guy at a time is a very smart strategy to find lasting love:
- It’s fun and exciting
- It’s an effective way to find the right mate
- It’s a smart way to boost your confidence and improve your dating skills
- It keeps you from focusing on just one man before it’s appropriate to
- It prevents you from being overly available, which, in turn, makes you more attractive
Many women fall into the trap of wanting to see how their connection with one guy plays out. They end up hooked on a partner that’s not right, because they focused in before they knew enough about him. My advice as a dating coach is to do your best to avoid getting emotionally attached early on and instead, just keep your heart open.
When I met my husband (number 30), I was dating Geoff (number 29). He was a really nice guy, and I was totally enjoying getting to know him. But I met Paul’s sister who thought her brother would like me. I went out on a blind date with him and then proceeded to date both men for about 5 weeks until I could see how things would shake out with each of them.
This saved me, because even though I like Geoff a lot, Paul was a much better match for me. We married in May of 2000.
If you are just getting out there or have been dating one man at a time, let me encourage you to try volume dating. It takes the pressure off and makes dating so much more fun and exciting. And, meeting lots of men means you are far more likely to find the right one for you.