Your Leaving Only Made Me Stronger

Toa Heftiba
Toa Heftiba

I was 22 when I reached a point in my life where I was done dating just for the sake of dating. So when I met you I saw potential in you, potential for a future with you. You were real. You brought down the walls I so carefully constructed, that only “the right guy” could get through.

I fell for you hard. You were like me in so many ways. You just got me. At first you didn’t want to date me, even though our feelings were mutual, you said you weren’t ready. I should have known you meant, you weren’t ready to be with only one girl. I decided that I couldn’t lose you so I’d make an effort to be friends, to put you in the same box as my other male friends.

But you wouldn’t have that, you wanted to be something special to me, something more. So you decided you wanted to be with me for real. And I was too happy to have you, I didn’t see the bigger picture. You were weak in front of me, I thought that meant I could trust you. That’s what you wanted. My trust, my heart.

I told you after my previous relationship that I prayed for a guy like you. And when you came into my life I truly believed you were the answer to that. I loved you hard. You were exciting, fun, you brought such light and energy. I had never experienced such passion before. But that fire of passion burns out. You were chasing that fire, not realising that real relationships weren’t always exciting. Every day you choose to love your partner. Some days are easy, when life is easy and good. Other days are hard, but we continue to choose to love one another.

I should have known that by you chasing that fire and excitement, I would not be enough.
When we finally settled into a comfortable space in our relationship, every now and then something would come up, causing a huge fight. One of them being the reoccurring fight of my male friends that you felt threatened by, insecure, that you wouldn’t even meet them. You claimed to have no female friends… Yes, I should have known. You didn’t have any female friends because any female in your life you only had there as an option, so you that never felt lonely, so you had that constant validation.

That’s why you felt so threatened by my male friends, because you were scared of the fact that I would do the same. In the back of my mind I always knew something was off. I was always the very trusting type, but I could feel there was something just not right. Your secretiveness with you phone. I loved you hard, and completely. I believed you when we spoke of a future, of marriage. We spoke of it often, and it felt real.

The first time in my life when I pictured my future with someone, it was with you.
I saw it, clear as day. I believed you when you said you loved me. And maybe in your own messed up way you did. But you never loved me enough or loved me in the right way. If you did, you never would have done what you did to me. When I found out about not one or two, but the numerous girls who you had been keeping on a line, sexting, vile and disgusting, girls who never knew of my existence, girls you promised a future with too… just like you did with me. But of course, I should have known.

I wanted to believe you, because I loved you, I wanted you, wanted the future we planned together. But you lied when you said you were mine and I was yours, so I should have known you had lied again. To this day I don’t know how many girls you slept with while you were with me. But I do know it was from day one. To this day I still have so many questions that I know I will never get an answer to.

Because of you I was a broken person. A shell of the girl I once was. As I slowly began picking up the pieces, and trying to fix the mess you made, you came back… You made promises again. Promises I wanted to believe because I still loved you. I wasn’t strong enough yet, and I let you back in… But I should have known.

At least the second time around I did what was best for me, so we didn’t last very long when I started to truly see you for who you really are. A selfish damaged boy with daddy issues, who doesn’t respect me or any woman for that matter. And doesn’t respect himself.

I am a stronger woman now because of you. I have something truly precious that I didn’t really have then, I have self worth.
For the longest time the question of “Why was I not enough” or “Am I not good enough” spun around in my head. But now I know, I am and always have been enough, and good enough. It was you who never felt good enough, not to me, but to yourself. And because of your actions you became nowhere near being enough or good enough.

Because I know I deserve more. There were many signs and things in this relationship that I should have known or seen, but I was blinded by love. Never again will I accept less than the very best. I have learnt and grown so much from this painful experience. I would hope you did too, that you learnt from this, to be a better man. Despite everything you did to me, I will always care about you.

When you hurt me I thought my overly caring nature was a weakness, but in fact it’s my strength. I wish only the best for you, and I pray that you deal with whatever damage and issues you have going on… I can’t and won’t hold onto any anger or hatred toward you for this. I forgive you. I am not forgiving you because what you did was okay.

Because of this and because of you I am many things, stronger, wiser and more confident, however I am not giving you credit. I am simply saying I forgive you because you dragged me down so far, I was forced to push myself back up. I know better now, I am a whole person again. And I’m happy.

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