Analyzing The Lyrics To Justin Bieber’s “As Long As You Love Me”

The only things I know about Justin Bieber is that he is eleven years old and probably has had sex with more women than I will in my entire life. So, I thought it’d be a good idea to do some angry lyrical analysis of his latest single.

“We’re under pressure/ Seven billion people in the world, trying to fit in, keep it together.”

Wrong, Justin. Anywhere from 250,00 to 300,000 people die every day, so they aren’t trying to do anything anymore. There is also a large part of the population that actively tries to not fit in. They want to separate and harm the general public based on ignorant ideals and lack of sanity. We call these people terrorists, hate groups, and Justin Bieber Fans.

“Smile on your face, even though your heart is frowning.”

I want to believe so hard that Biebs means the whole “heart frowning” thing in a metaphorical sense but let’s not forget he was a high school dropout.

“But hey now, you know girl, we both know it’s a cruel world/ but I’ll take my chances as long as you love me.”

Biebs is an underage multi-millionaire, plays concerts all over the world, and has a religious following bigger than Jesus but he totally understands why the cruelty of the world. Also, don’t worry girl — he’s going to take his extremely fortunate chances as long as you love him.

“We could be starving, we could be homeless, we could be broke/ As long as you love me, I’ll be your platinum, I’ll be your silver, I’ll be your gold.”

Biebs is worth 110 million dollars. He’s not going to ever be starving, homeless, or broke. He couldn’t do it if he tried. Biebs could retire today, spend a million dollars a year for 100 years, and still have 10 million dollars to blow on Fun Dip and Pogs or whatever it is 11-year-olds enjoy these days.

“I’ll be your soldier fighting every second of the day for your dreams girl.”

This is just offensive to any soldier ever, even the ones who fought for the right to keep owning other people.

“I’ll be your Hova, you could be my Destiny’s Child, on the scene, girl.”

Destiny’s Child formed in 1990 under the name “Girl’s Tyme.” Justin Bieber was negative four years old.

“So don’t stress and don’t cry, we don’t need no wings to fly. Just take my hand.”

I think Biebs forgot to finish that sentence. What he meant to say was, “So don’t stress and don’t cry. We don’t need no wings to fly. Just take my hand and I’ll lead you to my private jet, I have six of them.”

And then a rapper by the name of Big Sean comes in. Big Sean was also the name of a kid who played center on my high school football team and he always seemed to have a concussion.

“I don’t know if this makes sense but, you’re my hallelujah.”

No. No it does not.

“Give me a time and place, I’ll rendezvous it/I’ll fly to it, I’ll beat you there/ Girl you know I got you, us, trust.”

Of course you’ll beat everyone there. You’re in a jet that travels at 200-300 miles an hour. Every teenage girl in America is driving their mom’s beat up Subaru Outback that maxes out at 75 mph on the highway and badly needs an oil change.

“A couple things I can’t spell without you/ Now we on top of the world cause that’s just how we do/ Used to tell me sky’s the limit now the sky’s our point of view”

It’s becoming apparent that there are more than a couple of things that Big Sean can’t spell with or without anyone’s help.

“Man, we steppin’ out like whoa/ Camera’s point and shoot/ Ask me what’s my best side, I stand back and point at you.”

In reality, the cameramen aren’t going to give a shit about you because Justin Bieber is in the house. They have a mortgage to pay and kids to put through school.

“You, the one that I argue with. Feel like I need a new girl to be bothered with but the grass ain’t always greener on the other side. It’s green where you water it. So I know we got issues baby, true, true, but I’d rather work on this with you than to go ahead and start with someone new.”

My uncle told me it’s actually really easy to over-water your grass. That’s all I have to say about that passage.

Big Sean has mercifully stopped his completely off-beat rapping at this point. I’d like to imagine he had some guy counting off the beats for him who experienced an earth shattering stroke mid-rap. TC Mark

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