I know I’ll eventually have to accept what is, instead of living in a constant state of sadness over what was. Just not right now. Because the thing is, I never expected this.
I never expected you in the first place. You came into my life so casually, yet you made every day feel like a daydream. There was just something about you. There is something about you. Something that makes my stomach and my heart drop to the ground every time I remember the reality of where we are now. Just weeks ago I was writing mushy, sappy posts about you.
It took months of sweet late night phone calls and overthinking sessions to fully open up and trust you. Slowly over time, our flame became a steady burn. And it was nothing less than amazing, really. But I guess like every flame, it eventually burns out, kind of like those candles that say “burn time of 8 hours.” But this wasn’t supposed to happen to us. Not like this.
You promised me a forever love and took it away from me in the blink of an eye. I never saw that coming. Did I not just say I trusted you? This hurts so badly because I was so protective of my heart. My past caused me to put up walls and to be very selective of who I trusted, and I’ll be honest, you were not immune to my walls. But you helped me break them down each and every day and somewhere between last winter and now, I learned to fully love you. And love includes trust.
We did everything together. My phone was buzzing and blowing up all day, every day with your name all over my home screen. We traveled and made memories that only you and I know about. We shared a taste in music and humor and lived on the same wavelength. You taught me to love this body of mine that I’ve hated my whole life. You were there for me in the middle of the night when panic took over my mind. Now I’m supposed to pretend that none of that happened and accept that you up and left? Yeah, right. Not happening.
I have every right to sit here and sulk. We shared the most beautiful relationship, a love I could’ve only dreamed of. A love that people on the outside envied. I never thought I was worthy of that kind of feeling until I met you. You know how people say when love is right, it’s clear, and when you know, you know someone is meant to be yours? Well I thought I knew with you.
Part of me still clings to that idea. When I say part of me, I mean 98% of me. It’s scary to admit, but it’s true. You made me feel things I’ve never felt and I have never been happier than I was with you. I know I can’t live in the sadness of missing you forever, but right now that’s all I can do. You’re the one that got away.
Maybe this is something we can try again someday. We can meet all over again. We can learn to love the broken pieces and put ourselves back together.
We can find the love that we left behind. Or you left behind, I should say. I still don’t even know why.
I still love you. I always will, even if you never come back.
But my goodness, if you do come back… I will be the luckiest girl in the world. Just don’t expect me to sit around and wait forever.
So until you come back or I decide to let go, whichever comes first, I’ll be over here with my headphones, laptop, and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, writing words to help myself heal. I’ll just let the tears roll down my face like rain on a windshield. I’m a living, breathing heartache without you.