Dating Her, She’s Into Jazz

I don’t know why we are talking about jazz. Neither of us particularly like it, and I’m not even sure you could name three jazz records. Not that I could, but from the way you’re talking it’s as if you worked in a record store in the backstreets of New Orleans in the 1960s. But no, you’re wearing a dress that cost $480—I know because I was there when you bought it—Karen Walker shades and clunky, colorful jewelry. Your hands have never rubbed the brass off an instrument from overuse, your saliva has never leaked from a trumpet valve. You stopped riding horses two years ago to focus on your bikram.

“Jazz, you know, it’s, just, it. Like, when that trumpet flares, or that sax screeches, it’s like the perfect orgasm.”

‘The perfect orgasm,” I’ve never given her an orgasm. And I certainly don’t know how a sax screeching could get her off. “Sure. I get it.”

“But do you? Like, have you ever just listened? Closed your eyes and really listened?”

Sure, I have closed my eyes and really listened to jazz. Lots. Loads. When? How about when I bought a knitted jumper, some Ray Bans with no lenses and drank whiskey in dim-lit jazz clubs for three years? That’s when. Yeh, I’ve listened to plenty of jazz. I mean, for christ’s sake, neither of us has ever set foot in a jazz club, I am pretty sure you think Mickey Mantel was a trombone player, and the last album I heard you play was by Snow Patrol.

“Yes I have, now can we change the topic, maybe?”

“Why, you don’t like jazz? ‘Cos I love it.”

With that, she finished her vodka soda and we left. While we got ready for bed I YouTube’d ‘screeching sax’. The clip started and I gave her a wild glare and advanced, slowly, sensually, jazz-like.

Without a laugh she closed the lid of my laptop, rolled over and went to sleep.

Jazz, it’s, just, like, ‘it’, you know? TC mark


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  • mutterhals

    Jazz is like Tom Waits; I feel as though I should like both, but I just can’t get into them.

    • STaugustine

      the difference being that Tom Waits was always fake, but jazz only got that way after some day in the 1970s

  • Nive

    Jazz For me Is Morphine + Tom Waits. Splendid Mind Fuck. Really.

  • xra

    yeah, people actually like jazz,; in fact what you need to do is listen to more jazz:

    i mean, come on: davis, coltrane, monk, gillespie, montgomery, evans, roach, brubeck, hancock, dolphy, coleman, metheny, reinhardt, and charlie paaaaarkerseems like all that’s tangential to the fact that you were acting bitter and then did some goofy shit that wouldn’t turn a nympho on, howev

    • Guest

      i think you’re missing the point, buddy.

  • STaugustine

    She’s talking in code, Bob. She’s saying she wishes a “dangerous black penis” was on your “harmless white body”.

    • Greg


    • Alyssa Johnston

      Coltrane’s horn work freaks me the FUCK out.

  • Guesty

    Ew, jazz pretenders!  So annoying.  

  • Loljame

    anchorman rocked

  • Greg

    the past commenters must be trolling or can’t sense tone in writing. The author wasn’t necessarily clowning on jazz, but was instead pointing out the futility and dis-ingenuousness of futile small-talk

    • Guesty

      I thought it was about how people say they’re into jazz because it’s a marker of sophistication or something, even though most of them are full of shit.  Like when Americans pretend to like soccer.  

      • Anonymous

        i think both you guys are right.

  • eff sox

    when you get older, you will realize how your condescending and dismissive musical views were so limited and childish.  

    • Joseph Anthony Nicoletti


    • Alyssa Johnston

      Snow Patrol.

  • Susiederkins

    I don’t care that she says she likes jazz when she doesn’t or that sometimes you run out of things to talk about in a relationship and notice things like that in conversation. I like the piece, really. But she sounds like a horrible and obnoxious person. 

  • Diana Z.

    All I could think about at the end of the article was Howard Moon and his undying passion for Jazz. 

    • STaugustine

      his undying passion for Jazz, Sir

  • Scottie

    I love jazz. And by jazz I mean Norah Jones and whoever sings the sexy songs on Queer as Folk.

  • Pharoah

    Did no one else notice that this is the continuation of the previous article?
    The girl/note had such promise.

  • Anonymous

    I thought this was hilarious.  I laughed the entire time.  Am i doing this wrong?

  • Anonymous

    I thought this was hilarious.  I laughed the entire time.  Am i doing this wrong?

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