Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, things just aren’t going your way in your social life. You feel inadequate, despondent—you just don’t know how to make it work. Here are some ideas to get you the hell out of your funk.
1. Don’t be the forlorn, “interesting” girl at the bar who doesn’t smile. Despite what Twilight and Nicholas Sparks have led you to believe, the Handsome Dude will not notice you. He’ll give high fives and indiscriminately go home with the first 6.5/10 that drops in his lap because he’s looking for some easy P in V. You’ll go home alone, misunderstood.
2. Don’t be the Handsome Dude unless you’re really, really fucking handsome.
3. Smile. Always smile. Except at hipster bars, where the sex currency is to shift your eyes from left to right in a half-pout as you try to understand why everyone else looks like an Instagram post in real time. Once I went to a hipster bar with no name (#TYPICAL) and smiled the shit out of that place. I went home alone, misunderstood.
4. Don’t go to a club expecting it not to be a club and get all, “I hate clubs” and roll your eyes at everyone whilst secretly hoping someone will notice you (refer to: #1).
5. If you’re low on cash, challenge the drunkest asshole you see to a beer chugging contest. “Whoever loses buys the round!” Proclaim it loudly and clearly, so his friends know you’re for real. Then win. Preferably against everyone.
6. If you’re vying for someone’s attention, and you’re not the only one, forget it. Don’t waste your time, move right along. You’ll either lose and they go home with someone else (probably your best friend, yowza) which leads to sadness and self-loathing, or you win and find out they’re terrible in bed because they never had to make an effort at anything.
8. When considering whether or not you should cheat/have an affair, ask yourself honestly: will it make my boobs look bigger? Search within yourself and if the answer is no, don’t do it.
9. Sometimes it’s okay to pretend like everyone else is less attractive and more stupid and you’re the only special person who gets the bigger picture. Um, just know, everyone else is playing the same game. The game of Life.
10. Drop everything and go on vacation. When visiting a foreign country, forget all this nonsense. ANYTHING GOES.