I Tried To Pick Up Girls On Tinder Using Only Smash Mouth Lyrics

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I’ll be the first to admit, I’m horrible at approaching women. Even when cloaked in the luring scent of internet celebrity, it’s not uncommon for the Whismeister to yield a fair share of cold shoulders.

I presented myself with a challenge: create a Tinder profile and land a date speaking only in Smash Mouth lyrics.

I selected a photo of myself shaking hands with whom I will eventually reveal to be the dad from Kenan & Kel. Writer, outdoorsman, dog lover. All fairly reputable hallmarks of a good mate.

Little do they know, 100% of my flirting will be poached from Smash Mouth frontman Steve Harwell.

Let the games begin.

Tuesday

8:23 pm: I’ve swiped right on roughly 50 girls as of now. Going to open with “It ain’t no joke, I’d like to buy the world a toke” from the Mouth’s 1997 debut single “Walkin’ on the Sun.” The responses will undoubtedly reek of both confusion and piqued interest.

11:50 pm: No matches yet. Will get some shuteye and rake in a helping of late night drunk swipes.

Wednesday

4:42 pm: Tinder servers possibly down.

6:29 pm: Swiping right on everybody now.

9:15 pm: Server issues still highly possible. Reinstalling the app.

11:56 pm: Accidentally installed the new iOS update, fairly certain it fucking deleted all of my Tinder matches. Pretty steamed right now.

Thursday

10:21 am: Jotting down Smash Mouth lyrics I may use today.

3:55 pm: Widened the market a bit, anticipating some matches.

11:47 pm: Okay fuck this. Fuck all of you. Fuck Smash Mouth. Fuck this god damn stupid piece of shit cocksucking app.