I’ll be the first to admit, I’m horrible at approaching women. Even when cloaked in the luring scent of internet celebrity, it’s not uncommon for the Whismeister to yield a fair share of cold shoulders.
I presented myself with a challenge: create a Tinder profile and land a date speaking only in Smash Mouth lyrics.
I selected a photo of myself shaking hands with whom I will eventually reveal to be the dad from Kenan & Kel. Writer, outdoorsman, dog lover. All fairly reputable hallmarks of a good mate.
Little do they know, 100% of my flirting will be poached from Smash Mouth frontman Steve Harwell.
Let the games begin.
8:23 pm: I’ve swiped right on roughly 50 girls as of now. Going to open with “It ain’t no joke, I’d like to buy the world a toke” from the Mouth’s 1997 debut single “Walkin’ on the Sun.” The responses will undoubtedly reek of both confusion and piqued interest.
11:50 pm: No matches yet. Will get some shuteye and rake in a helping of late night drunk swipes.
4:42 pm: Tinder servers possibly down.
6:29 pm: Swiping right on everybody now.
9:15 pm: Server issues still highly possible. Reinstalling the app.
11:56 pm: Accidentally installed the new iOS update, fairly certain it fucking deleted all of my Tinder matches. Pretty steamed right now.
10:21 am: Jotting down Smash Mouth lyrics I may use today.
3:55 pm: Widened the market a bit, anticipating some matches.
11:47 pm: Okay fuck this. Fuck all of you. Fuck Smash Mouth. Fuck this god damn stupid piece of shit cocksucking app.