Just about everyone drinks, and just about everyone drinks at physical locations. How about we take a look and rank these places, from worst to best, shall we?
1. The night club.
I’m talking music-pounding, dress-shoes-only, my-voice-is-hoarse-and-there-is-makeup-residue-on-my-lips-from-screaming-into-a-girl’s-ear-all-night night clubs. Nightclubs that make us get all dressed up in stupid outfits, only to spend ten dollars on a watered-down beverage, get told nonverbally by girls that I’m not good enough for them, and take part in several rounds of the shove-and-push “Sup bro…We good bro?” with angry guys? Yea, NO THANKS. Just go ahead and take my 30 bucks for your party bus, I’m going home to play Star Fox.
2. At home by yourself.
This is not encouraged; this type of behavior is borderline alcoholic. The very next step from here is freebasing meth off of a homeless guy’s spoon, and then waking up face-down in an empty pool with a tattoo of Daffy Duck riding a skeleton horse. The only one should drink alone is if pre-game plans fall through. And those post pre-game plans better be REAL plans too — we wouldn’t want to end up getting wasted alone and passing out on the couch after facing two large pizzas and watching Johnny Tsunami, now would we?
3. A professional sporting event.
Scored free tickets to the local pro-sporting match? And you want me as your guest? Sure, yea I’ll definitely go with you, let me just quickly call my bank to see if I can get approved for a new line of credit.
Listen, I love sports just as much as the next guy, and I especially love whipping back beers while I’m watching them, but boozing at a sporting event is one of the dumbest financial decisions a living human can make. I went to a Red Sox game a few nights ago and I have yet to muster up the courage to look at my account balance since. I was doing mini Tiger Woods fist pumps every time my card wasn’t declined. I paid eight dollars and 50-fucking-cents for a single can of Bud Light — that’s priced at sex value.It’s also a great way to miss most of the game.
4. A regular, casual bar.
The lighting is at an I-can-still-reasonably-make-out-what-you-look-like level. There might be a band playing, but most likely a DJ or pre-set playlist playing your standard top-40 joints and some classics like “Africa” by Toto. It’s been the go-to drinking spot since college, Bud Lights cost five dollars (yes, I’d love to leave my tab open!), and you’ll get drunk while spending somewhere between 12 and 64 dollars (yet somehow there’s zero correlation between money spent and level of intoxication at this type of bar).
5. A dive bar.
It’s basically a shitty, regular bar, but better. The bill at the end of the night might not make any sense, but that’s just the way it is with dive bars. Beers are basically free and mixed drinks are 90% alcohol, yet still somehow cheaper than the beers. There’s a ripe group of townies in the bar, and they either love our youthful exuberance and will do anything to party with a new face, or hate our out-of-town guts, you non-fucking-regular. Like clean bathrooms? We’re lucky if there’s a goddamn door on the stall. But all of that shouldn’t matter; that’s not why we’re here — we’re here to dance like an absolute savage to some vintage Ja Rule. Dive bars, we salute you.
6. A family gathering.
A special kind of awesome is deserved for drinking with parents and relatives. Perhaps the craziest aspect of this entire idea is the journey we’ve traveled with our parents. When we were kids, we at some point in our tiny brains were convinced that we hated our parents. We might have even had the gall to say that to their faces. Now those same people are the coolest people we know, and the most fun to drink with. That’s CRAZY. Because our relationship with our parents is often so volatile, it’s that much more gratifying to be able to drink with them now. Plus, reminiscing on the past with your family is the greatest drinking game of all time.
A bonfire, the beach, the lake…Ice down a 30 of your favorite light beer, put on the country Spotify playlist made during boring work hours, and leave the sunscreen at home — because good lord is a nice tan more important than the potential risk of life-threatening skin cancer. This is probably the most American place to drink on this list, as there’s no doubt in my mind that sucking down an iced-cold ale on the beach or by the fire was the pivotal thought running through George Washington’s mind as he drove his sword through the heart of some loser Redcoat during the Revolutionary War.
8. A tailgate.
Tailgating is quite possibly the greatest pre-game activity of all time. There’s a certain pageantry in the air, as everyone has flocked to a specific location and is brimming with excitement for the imminent mutual interest. Perhaps it’s the fact that drinking will be so hard inside the venue that makes tailgating so much fun (re: booze/bathroom lines and prices).
Accessibility-wise, everything is easier out here. Need a beer? Grab it from the cooler my man, those cost us roughly 89 cents each. Gotta go to the bathroom? There’s some wild shrubbery with your name on it… piss away, my parking lot comrade.
9. A house party.
House parties are the best thing in the world. It’s an indisputable fact that has been proved by historians, scientists and mathematicians alike (big time bonus points for a Halloween House Party). It’s the perfect combination of the best parts of drinking. Zero money is spent, the night is spent with close friends and strangers you may not even know but definitely want to get down. The key elements to a good house party are as follows: start with a casual drinking game and some light banter, then smoothly transition into a wild dance party fueled by ’80s and house music that renders several participants shirtless. The night will end with a great heart-to-heart with a brand-new friend we’ll never speak to again. Long live the house party.