10. People who say their biggest pet peeve is other people picking their nose in their cars.
I’m not a big nose picker. I just don’t accumulate much product up there, so I’m not in the picking business – having said that, for this exercise I’ll be defending in-car nose pickers.
I feel like the #1 pet peeve I always hear is People Who Pick Their Nose In The Car. Here’s a brilliant idea, turn your fat head away…don’t look! It’s a pretty simple work-around guys…don’t look in my fucking car? There you go, problem solved. My breathing is being effected, so I’m gonna dig up there and help myself out in MY fucking car. Literally stop looking at me and your problems have vanished.
9. The driver who speeds up so you can’t pass them.
I have somewhere to be, so I’m going to switch into the fast lane and pass you. Why in god’s name are you speeding up as I begin to pull ahead of you? Are you Paul Walker? Am I Vin Diesel? (I wish) Are we racing for freedom? No. I’m passing you because literally two seconds ago you were driving slower than I deemed desirable for my trip. Now suddenly there’s a thought in your brain that me passing you is going to somehow negatively alter your life. Dude, just stay put and let me go by you without having to mash my gas and swerve in front of you like we’re competing in Death Race.
8. People who care about the everyday personal lives of celebrities.
There are literally networks and shows dedicated to this garbage. One I remember seeing is Access Hollywood, and it would literally have segments dedicated to like Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt being spotted with their adopted all-star team going to McDonalds. Stop caring about other people’s lives more than your own. This counts for the Kardashians too. Let’s tune in and watch rich people argue with each other over stupid rich people shit. And leave Miley Cyrus alone, she’s 20 years old and was raised by television producers, of course she’s insane.
7. People who post pictures of their children on social media.
You know what? Congratulations – You popped out a baby and you’re fucking thrilled about it. You know what the last thing I want to see when I sign onto Facebook is? A picture of your two-year-old daughter naked in your shitty backyard inflatable pool. It’s not cute…it’s literally not even close. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I don’t want to see your kid or if it’s because I think you’re making a mistake having kids this young. I think it’s a nice little McFlurry of both.
6. People who always have their phones out.
Are you listening to this story I’m telling you? Oh you are? I couldn’t tell because you’re literally scraping your eyeballs against the screen of your iPhone. We’re becoming a zombie civilization, unable to experience life without a screen somehow being involved. I’m guilty too at times, so I guess that makes me a piece of shit by association, but everyone needs to work on it. Not to sound like Earthy McCrunchy Asshole, but let’s put our phones down and actually experience people, events, and things for ourselves.
5. Guys at the bar hunting for fights.
“Problem Bro?” …No. I’m trying to navigate through this mosh pit of strangers trying to fuck each other without spilling the beer water I just paid six dollars for. My shoulder literally brushed against yours…did this actually strike you as a challenge for alpha male of the bar? I could care less about your unquenchable thirst for self-gratification. I got a lot of shit going on right now. I’m a little more concerned about returning to my standing spot without spilling anymore of this beer while trying to remember for the life of me what the fuck that girl’s name was, or at least finding someone I can introduce her to so that when she repeats it I can act like I knew it all along.
4. The driver who doesn’t pull out from a stop sign despite you slowing down and putting your blinker on far in advance.
You’re driving down the street and you’re going to make a right hand turn onto another street. A fellow driver is about to exit this street, and turn onto the one you’re currently driving down. You put your right hand blinker on and slow down considerably, letting them know it’s safe for them to make their turn. They, terrified of the world, wait until you make the full commitment of turning onto their street before they pull out and make their turn. Look, if I’m Jeff Gordon’ing down the street going 95, then yes, please wait to pull out, incase I lose control of this rig and plow you off the face of the earth. But I’m going 7 1/2 miles per hour and my blinker has been on for a mile – I’m making this turn, I promise. Please respect the effort I took to help you out, and have some faith in your fellow man.
3. Guys who try to prove that girls don’t know as much about sports as they do.
Awesome bro, you’re the fucking smartest sports guy in the world. You should have a show on ESPN that just literally broadcasts your sports brilliance to the masses. Hey, while you’re at it…can you try to make that girl over there feel like a piece of shit for wearing her Tom Brady jersey to the bar? That’ll show her. Go ask her to name a certain amount of people on the roster. It’s going to be such a better world if you can prove that despite her wearing a jersey, she isn’t a “real” fan because she can’t name the whole offensive line. Take a step back… Now, do you want me to barge in the movie theater while you’re watching Great Gatsby with your boring girlfriend who you have boring sex with and heckle you about excerpts from the novel? The answer is “no” because literally no one gives a shit.
2. People who don’t say “thank you” when you hold the door for them.
This is the same person who doesn’t say “thank you” when you let them go ahead of you in some form of traffic-related situation. I was feeling pretty good about altering the course of my life to allow you to move along with yours first – have the fucking decency to acknowledge my efforts. When I slow down to allow someone to pull into my lane and I don’t see a hand wave or a mouthed “thank you,” there’s nothing I want to do more than slam on my gas pedal and ram into the back of their car.
1. Old guys who get completely ass naked in the gym locker room and walk around.
This is a fucking epidemic. It’s the biggest issue going on right now in America that politicians refuse to address. A loaf of bread could run for president and I’d vote for it if it’s number one issue was outlawing old man nudity in the gym. I get that you grew up during WWII and I respect the fact you’ve probably seen some shit in your day, but you’re literally taking years off my life every time I come around the corner to take a piss in the locker room and I get a full frontal of you post shower…how does this ever register in your mind as an OK thing to do? Like you want to shower in that disease-infested shower room? Knock yourself out Regis Philbin, but for the love of christ can you at least TRY to make a quick transition between towel removal and underwear application? I mastered at a young age the sliding-my-boxers-up-under-my-towel post-shower move, and I was alone in my room! Figure it the fuck out man, your body looks like a flat tire with a penis attached to it…GROSS. If you’re comfortable with your nudity in a borderline public place, then god bless you, but don’t bring the rest of us reasonable minded people down with you.