I Fell Down At The Airport, And Had To Ask A Random Stranger To Help Me Up

Flickr / Jeff Turner
Flickr / Jeff Turner

Excuse me, sir? Yes, you. I’m sorry to bother you but, can you please help me up? Yeah, I don’t know, I just … it’s like my legs just started to fold and so I sat down and now I can’t get back up again. I know. I am trying. Look, see, I’m moving my torso around, right, yes … well that’s exactly the problem, I can’t get them to move. No, don’t call an ambulance, I don’t think it’s that … I’m just … I’m just thinking that if I could somehow get back on my feet, I’m kind of hoping everything will sort of right itself out.

Well, here … can you kind of come around behind me and grab from my chest? Yeah, no, you can totally do it, I’m only about one eighty, one ninety, you think you could do like a squat? Like at the gym? Yes, I’m sure I don’t want an ambulance, I don’t have any insurance. Yeah well, you still have to pay for Obamacare. I don’t know, my boss said something about open enrollment and the lady on the state hotline said the same thing, I was getting nowhere, and then one of my uncles told me that they’re not going to start fining people for another year or so. So … yeah, no hospital, please.

Well, is it the weight thing? Because I’m sure we could get someone else to help out. Can you deadlift ninety pounds? What about that guy, over in the corner? Do you think he could deadlift the other ninety? Go ask him if he’d help you out. No, not that guy, the guy with the yellow jacket. True, but I think he looks a little bit more well rounded than the other guy, more core strength. I don’t know, it’s totally just a random guess, I mean I have no idea how strong either of them are. Just, look, it’s your call, but if I were you, I’d ask the guy with the yellow jacket. I don’t know, just ask him if he can help you lift something.

Well what did he say? No? Did you ask the other guy? Well, I don’t see why you wouldn’t have asked him since you were already over there. Dammit, they’re both gone now. OK, look, maybe if you just kind of give me a roll. Yeah, just push me over and maybe I can use the momentum to sort of hoist myself up. Can you get under my lower back? From behind? I get it, I hear you, but just … look, I wouldn’t be asking if I weren’t stuck here. Thank you, I really appreciate it. There we go. OK, and now just leverage the rest of your weight against my …

OK, wait, stop. Stop! Now I can’t move my hands either. My arms are working fine. But it’s like everything below the wrist is just disconnected. Are you looking that up on your phone? You’re calling the ambulance? Wait, you don’t happen to have any doctor friends or relatives, do you? No, me neither. Yeah. Yeah, maybe you should go ahead and call the ambulance. Yeah, I’m starting to lose my vision. No, it’s cool. Just … before I black out, can you take my wallet, my ID, everything. Just throw it all out, right in the trash. Tell the paramedics you found me this way. I’ll try to go for the whole John Doe thing, and maybe they won’t figure out where to send the bills. Just hurry up, OK, I’m having trouble swallowing. Hey before you go, I want to say … thanks again man, for stopping, for trying to roll me over before, for all of it … I mean, you’re like the only person that stopped. I really owe you one. TC mark

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