30 Things You Never Want To Hear Your Cab Driver Say

1. I know a shortcut.

2. My meter’s broken.

3. Sorry, AC’s broken too.

4. Queens? Yeah, I’m not doing any boroughs today.

5. Yeah, my credit card machine is broken also. Cash only.

6. You want to sit up front with me? How come nobody ever wants to sit up front with me?

7. Looks like I’m out of gas. Let me just fill up real quick, this’ll be fast, I promise.

8. Cell phone rings. Hello? Yeah, I can talk. Nothing, just driving the cab.

9. Hey man, do you have a minute? I want to talk to you about my lord and savior Jesus Christ.

10. Do you know how to get to the airport?

11. Wait, there are two airports? Shit.

12. I’ve got to stop by my place real quick. No, it’ll just be a second, I promise.

13. Hey buddy, can you just hold this package in your lap for a little bit? It’s got to be upright. And make sure you’re not covering the air holes.

14. Get down. Get down quick! Now! OK, you can come up now. Yeah, all clear.

15. You ever hear of multi-level marketing?

16. When was the last time you had your thetan levels checked?

17. Hey, do you know how to reattach a steering wheel?

18. Have you ever seen The Sixth Sense? No? Well, if you watch it, Bruce Willis is a ghost. I totally didn’t get it until the end of the movie. I was like, why didn’t they point it out earlier?

19. Answers cell phone. Hello? Yeah, hey mom. Nothing, just driving. Yeah sure, I’ll be right there. Puts down phone. Hey buddy, would you mind if we give my mom a quick lift? It’ll be like five minutes, tops.

20. You want to try this babaganoush? Come on, try it, it’s delicious. Just a bite, come on. Try it. Try it! See? Isn’t it good? You want some more?

21. Such a shame what happened to those six cops in Baltimore, am I right? Talk about government overreach.

22. What if I told you I had six brand new Dyson vacuum cleaners that I had to get rid of, ASAP, half price? Is that something you’d be interested in?

23. You like Phish? No? OK, well, listen to this song, I promise you’re going to love Phish after this song.

24. Do you mind if I stop for some drive-thru? I’ll be fast. I’m working through my lunch break here. And you ate all of my babaganoush.

25. Look, it’s not just that she’s a woman, but do you really think the United States is going to be safer under a President Hillary Clinton?

26. Dude, you were totally right about the FDR Drive. I should have listened to you. Looks like we’re going to be in this traffic for a while.

27. You ever watch that show Cash Cab? You want to pretend like you’re on Cash Cab right now, you and me? That would be awesome, right? Yeah, that would be a lot of fun. I didn’t prepare any questions though. I just thought about it right now.

28. So I told her, “Lady, can you go somewhere else and breastfeed?” and now I’m the one getting slapped with the harassment charge, isn’t that crazy?

29. What do you think, do you like Phish yet? OK, well, listen to this next song, and you’re really going to like Phish.

30. All right, that’ll be $32.50. Change? No change, I’ve only got big bills, sorry.