1. Plan a beach day with all of your friends.
2. Ask your mom if you can borrow her SUV.
3. Tell all your friends that you can drive, that you borrowed your mom’s truck, that everyone’s going to fit.
4. Make sure your mom leaves her gas card in the glove compartment.
5. Before you leave for the beach, ask all of your friends if they wouldn’t mind chipping in a little cash for gas.
6. Use your mom’s gas card, and pocket all of that extra money from your friends.
7. While you’re at it, make sure your mom has her EZPass attached to the windshield, and hit your friends up for toll money just like you did with the gas.
8. When you get to the beach, there’s going to be a parking lot right by the entrance, but it’s probably going to cost like ten bucks. Make it like you’re going to park really far away. Tell everyone, “I know a space where we can park for free,” and just keep driving further and further away from the beach until one of your friends finally says, “Whatever, I’ll pay the ten bucks, here.”
9. Leave all of your money in the car.
10. If the beach has a concession stand or a snack bar, wait for your friends to go grab some drinks. Tell them, “Guys, I left my wallet in the car. Can you spot me?” and then don’t mention it again for the rest of the day.
11. If one of your friends brings Can Jam, set the buckets up ridiculously far apart. When your friends ask what you’re doing, tell them that it’s cool, that you do this all the time. Take the Frisbee and walk back to the first bucket, and then just wildly throw it as far as you can. Everyone will laugh and laugh.
12. Do that trick where one of your friends gets down on all fours behind one of your other friends, and then push the second friend backward over the kneeling friend. That’s always hilarious. If your friend gets upset, tell him to stop being a baby.
13. Do that beach thing where all of your friends bury one person in the sand, shaping the sand on top of his body to look like a mermaid. Once he’s buried, find his wallet, take out some money, and go buy yourself some ice cream.
14. Organize a sand castle building competition amongst all your friends. Once all their sandcastles are built, scream out, “Godzilla is attacking the city!” and then proceed to act like a huge monster, leaving a path of destroyed castles in your fiery wake.
15. Wait until everyone goes in for a swim. After you get out of the water, sneak up behind one of your friends and “pants” him. While everyone’s laughing, loudly reenact the shrinkage scene from that classic episode of Seinfeld.
16. If there are surfers at the beach, approach them and tell them that you’re organizing a surf competition later in the day. Tell them there’s a huge cash prize. See if you can collect twenty-five bucks per surfer as a registration fee.
17. Once you have all of the surfers’ money, tell all of your friends that it’s time to leave, right now.
18. On the way home, say you need to stop for gas again. See if you can squeeze some extra money out of all of your friends.
19. When you drop the car off, tell your mom that you drove it through the car wash. Tell it cost twenty bucks. See if she’ll give you more cash.
20. When you get home, go on Facebook and write, “Had so much fun at the beach today!” and tag all of your friends, even the ones that didn’t go, even the ones you purposefully didn’t invite, like Steve, who had that barbecue last summer and claimed he sent you a text two weeks before, even though you never got a text, that dick, he purposefully didn’t include you, well, now he’ll know how it feels to be left out, that jerk.