Having your shit together must be nice – paying your bills on time, remembering to call your mom on Mother’s Day, not leaving that pile of trash in the corner of the kitchen for so long that green stuff is starting to grow on the edges of the garbage pail – but a lot of us aren’t there yet. Are you constantly scratching your head wondering how the rest of the adult world makes it look so easy? Maybe you don’t have your shit together. Here are some signs:
1. Your clothes haven’t been folded in years
All of your clothes – every single article of clothing that you own – belong in one of two piles: dirty and clean. Because let’s face it, just staying on top of actually doing your laundry is challenging enough. But folding? What’s the point? It takes forever. And then you have to put them away in your dresser drawers. And then the next time you go through your dresser drawers to find a certain shirt, everything just gets messed up anyway.
And while adults with their shit together might frown upon your clean-and-dirty-pile situation, let’s just be grateful for a second that we at least have the pile system even semi-functioning. Because sometimes the piles break down, stray pieces of clothing wind up migrating all over the floor. After a while it’s impossible to tell what’s clean and what’s dirty, and let’s face it, they’re probably all dirty, because haven’t you been putting off the laundry for a while now? Be honest.
2. You’ve got a fridge full of condiments
I mean, technically your fridge isn’t empty, it’s just that, there’s nothing inside that you can actually eat. There are like five half-full jars of pickles, a bunch of crusty bottles of ketchup and mustard … what about those eggs? Are those eggs any good? How long do eggs last in the fridge anyway?
Trust me, just stay away from old eggs. And it’s the same with that carton of milk in the back. We both know that it’s too late for anything to be done. At this point your only choice is to wait for the developing organisms inside the milk container to evolve past the point where they become self-aware enough to want to clean out the fridge themselves. Just order some takeout.
3. You’re always late to work
“But come on,” you keep insisting to your boss that it’s not your fault, “the subway!” you repeat over and over again. Why does he have to be such a jerk about it? What’s wrong with being ten minutes late, is ten minutes really that big of a deal? Exactly, so just think of the half hour I was late yesterday as three ten-minute breaks. Half an hour isn’t the big of a deal, right? I’ll stay late, I promise.
And even though your boss finally throws his hands in the air and walks away, you’re still left with that nagging feeling, like why am I always late to work? How does everyone else manage to get up on time, and get in the shower on time, and get to the subway on time, and not get on one of those subways that always takes forever to get to work? It’s just not fair, that’s really what it comes down to, right?
4. Netflix is starting to turn on you
Everyone’s familiar with those annoying, “Hey, you still watching?” messages Netflix uses to make you feel bad about yourself during a multi-episode TV-watching binge. It’s like, hey Netflix, I get it, you’re charging a monthly fee, but that means I get to watch as much TV as I want, all right? Stop being like the lady at the all-you-can-eat sushi place warning about the $2.00 charge per piece if I don’t finish all of my nigiri.
But did you know that, if you really don’t have your shit together, the Netflix warnings get even worse? I’m at the point now where as soon as I turn the TV on, Netflix sends out these stupid messages, like, “Really Rob? You’re watching TV again? Aren’t you like two months behind on rent? Weren’t you supposed to pick up your friend Pete at the airport two days ago?” Just leave me alone, Netflix, I’ve got it under control.
5. Girl Scouts won’t take your cookie money
I’m not a charity case, all right, I was just asking if you sold Samoas by the cookie instead of by the case. That was really sweet of you to offer me that box for free, and I get the good intentions, but the way you just dropped the cookies at my door and left, the way your mom was like, “Let’s get out of here,” that was pretty rude.
Don’t they teach you any manners in the Girl Scouts? I didn’t make fun of your dumb little uniform. You didn’t have to silently judge me for wearing a bathrobe and slippers at three in the afternoon. All of my clothes are in a pile, OK? You were the one who knocked on my door, remember?