Everybody’s always so excited for warm weather. But not me. Why? Because I hate wearing shorts. If you hate wearing shorts, you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you don’t, read on, and get a better understanding as to how difficult the warm weather can be for those who hate wearing shorts.
1. Shorts won’t fit your body just right
Some people look great in shorts. I don’t know, I’m really tall and skinny, and so I never feel like shorts fit me at all. Sometimes they’re way too big, and it feels like I have these two blankets of fabric swooshing around the sides of my legs. When I was in middle school, this would have been awesome, because everything was super baggy, like my awesome JNCO jeans. But that look doesn’t really sell too well these days. Besides, baggy shorts make my thin legs look even skinnier, positively twig-like.
On the other hand, because I’m so tall, regular fitting shorts wind up sitting well above my knees. And I guess I’d rather them be too short than too long, but why should I have to settle? Why do shorts have to be so terrible?
2. I look like a little kid
Maybe this goes with what I’ve already said above, but even if I do manage to find that ever elusive pair of shorts that fits just right, I look at myself in the mirror and see a twelve-year-old staring back. What is it about shorts that makes me look like a little kid? Maybe it’s because shorts aren’t really acceptable as serious clothing. What I mean is, you can’t wear shorts to work. If you go to a nice restaurant, don’t wear short.
Maybe that’s it. Maybe I’ve just been conditioned to view pants as serious and shorts as way too casual. I don’t know, they just don’t feel very grown up.
3. What do I do with my feet?
Another serious problem shorts-wearers will encounter is the question of what kind of footwear to pair with your shorts. Obviously a pair of flip-flops looks the most natural. But what if you’re like me? I just ran a marathon, my feet are twisted and bruised, and half of my toenails have blackened and fallen off. Do I really want to subject the public to my size fifteen monstrosities?
I guess that leaves shoes … but shorts and shoes? I don’t know. I feel like all I’m doing is drawing attention to how big my feet are. With my thin legs and giant kicks, I worry that from the side I resemble a huge capital L. And what do I do about socks? Even the lowest cut socks still stick way too high up my ankles. But I can’t go sockless, that’ll ruin my shoes in a matter of days. I’m at a loss.
4. Getting pantsed
When I was a little kid, there was always that one jerk who would wait for the opportunity to start “pantsing” unsuspecting shorts-wearers. If you’re not familiar with getting “pantsed,” it’s the age-old practice of sneaking up behind someone wearing shorts, ideally when he’s standing in a group amongst all of his classmates, and yanking down his shorts, leaving him humiliated and red-faced as he tries to pull them back up.
But despite even the quickest of recoveries, the damage is already done, and everyone has already seen you in your Hulk Hogan underpants. It’s the worst. If we didn’t have to wear shorts, nobody would ever get pantsed.
5. Sudden exposure
While we’re on the subject of being vulnerable in a pair of shorts, most guys can relate to this one. You’re hanging out with your friends, someone gets up to go get a drink, and when he sits back down, you notice that because of the way his shorts have landed on his leg, all of the sudden you have a clear view of his crotch. It’s not something that you’re doing on purpose, but by the time you realize what you’re looking at, the damage has already been done, an image has been seared on your consciousness forever.
It’s a risk inherent with wearing shorts. And who’s to say you’re not vulnerable? If you wear shorts, and you wear boxers, there’s always the chance that the fabric might align in that perfect way to leave your boys exposed to the outside world. Come on, haven’t you ever been wearing a pair of shorts and felt a cool breeze travel all the way up? That’s what I’m talking about. Are shorts worth that risk? I don’t think so.