1. Long Islanders are better at basketball.
2. Long Islanders root for the New York Islanders. New Yorkers wait until playoffs, and if the Rangers make the playoffs, then they root for the New York Rangers.
3. New Yorkers think they’re eating the best pizza and bagels in the world. Long Islanders actually have the best pizza and bagels in the world. And Chinese food. And gyros.
4. Long Islanders and New Yorkers alike head east every summer to enjoy a hot day at Splish Splash water park out in Riverhead, but you can always tell which ones are the New Yorkers: they run around barefooted. Long Islanders always wear flip-flops.
5. New Yorkers are always busy waiting in line: a new bakery, a hot restaurant, Avengers 2 opening weekend. Long Islanders are content to wait until their New Yorker friends are done bragging about having waited in line for five hours.
6. In an arm-wrestling match, a Long Islander will almost always beat a New Yorker. We don’t call it “Strong Island” for nothing. Of course there are some exceptions, like, if it’s a Long Islander without any arms, or if the New Yorker happens to be Alex Rodriguez, and he just finished an especially strong batch of steroids.
7. Do you ever wonder how selfie sticks got popular? New Yorkers made selfie sticks popular.
8. The people in Floral Park, Long Island, are generally a lot nicer than the people in Floral Park, Queens.
9. Did you know that, on the weekends, you can take the Long Island Railroad anywhere in the city for only three dollars? Yeah, New Yorkers won’t shut up about it. Long Islanders don’t care, because they all have cars, and the Long Island Railroad is terrible.
10. Long Islanders have been putting gravy and cheese on their French fries and calling them “disco fries” for decades. New Yorkers just started ordering the same dish, only they call it “poutine,” claim that it’s all the rage in Canada, and then they take like five photos of their snack and post them on Instagram with the Mayfair filter.
11. Long Islanders make right turns at red lights after having come to a complete stop. New Yorkers don’t know what I’m talking about, because none of them know how to drive, and even if they did, they wouldn’t be allowed to, because right turns are illegal in the city.
12. New Yorkers are always asking themselves, “What’s that smell?” It’s New Jersey. Long Islanders are at a safe enough distance that, thankfully, they can’t relate.
13. Long Islanders take pride that the Long Island iced tea is an iconic cocktail recognized all over the world. New Yorkers are bitter that the Big Appletini still hasn’t caught on.
14. New Yorkers think their city is numero uno. Long Island actually has two cities: Glen Cove and Long Beach. With an entire extra city as opposed to New York’s measly one, Long Islanders luckily never have to settle.
15. New Yorkers are still pissed off that they lost the Statue of Liberty to New Jersey. Having never lost the Statue of Liberty to anyone, Long Islanders aren’t familiar with that particular stinging sense of New York defeat.
16. If you’re a New Yorker, and you want to go to Shake Shack, you usually have to wait on a line that’s like halfway around the block. If you’re a Long Islander, and you want to go to Shake Shack, you’re mom will be like, “Shake Shack? Honey, I just made lasagna, you’re not going to Shake Shack.” And homemade lasagna is so much better than Shake Shack anyway.
17. If you’re a Long Islander, and you buy some Mentos and put them in a bottle of Diet Coke, you’re going to get a crazy Diet Coke explosion. If you’re a New Yorker and you try the same experiment, you’ll probably get taken away by the NYPD for questioning.
18. Long Islanders are statistically taller than New Yorkers.
19. If you’re trying to take a short cut through Eisenhower Park on the weekend, those guards at the makeshift tollbooth are going to make you prove a Long Island residency. If you’re a Long Islander, enjoy the shortcut. If you’re a New Yorker, sorry, looks like you’ll have to turn around and take the Meadowbrook Parkway. Actually, I forgot, New Yorkers don’t have cars, forget I said anything.