1. Get a motorcycle. All badasses have motorcycles. If you’re shaking your head, thinking to yourself, that’s not true, I’m a badass, and I don’t have a motorcycle, you’re wrong. You’re not a badass. Go get a motorcycle.
2. When the motorcycle salesperson tries to sell you a motorcycle helmet, put up your hands and say, “No thanks.” This is actually pretty easy in one of those states where you’re not legally required to wear a helmet while riding a motorcycle, like Iowa, or Connecticut, and so just letting you know, you might actually wind up losing some badass points just by the fact that there are already lots of badasses already riding around without protection. But if you live in a state like New York, man, no helmet while riding a motorcycle? That’s against the law, which is seriously badass.
3. “I’m sorry sir, I’m legally required to sell you a helmet with this bike,” the stupid New York State motorcycle salesperson might say. And what are you going to do, right? Rules are rules, which normally doesn’t matter to a true badass, seeing as how badasses rarely follow the rules.
4. But in this case, in New York anyway, or any of those fascist police states, they’re not making the sale unless you agree to buy a helmet. Well, give the salesperson a really dirty look, a badass look, and pick out a helmet that’s way too small. That’ll show the salesperson.
5. Wait a few days and take the helmet back to a different motorcycle store. Tell the clerk, “Yeah, I want to return this motorcycle helmet, it’s way too small.”
6. They’ll probably say something like, “Sure thing, do you have a receipt?” Don’t give them a receipt. Receipts are for wussies. Badasses never carry receipts.
7. “I’m sorry sir, but store policy says I need a receipt,” they’ll counter. Make a big stink. Ask to speak to a manager. But say it like a badass. When the manager asks what’s going on, get really aggressive, show them the helmet, how it still has the tags on it, start ranting about how you’ve been buying stuff from this motorcycle store for years, that you’ve never had any problem returning merchandise before.
8. When the manager caves and agrees to take the helmet back in exchange for store credit, cross your arms and flatly refuse.
9. “No way,” you’ve got to be firm here. “I’m only taking cash.” If they protest, you protest even harder, start screaming about customer service, and how you’re going to contact corporate. Ask for the manager’s store identification number. Threaten to have your lawyer brother get involved. It might take a while, but you’ll get cash back eventually.
10. Now that you’ve got the helmet return out of the way, you’re ready to take your hog out for a spin. But you’ll need some gas first. When you pull up at the pump, ignore the sign telling you to turn your engine off while filling up. That’s some stupid advice, and a real badass isn’t going to let himself get bossed around by a dumb sign.
11. When you go inside the gas station to pay, ask for a pack of cigarettes. Smoking is so badass.
12. Remember that sign that told you to turn your engine off? It also says not to smoke around the gas station. Screw that.
13. After your cigarette, see if you can do that trick where you flick the butt effortlessly away from where you’re standing.
14. Now take the pack out of your pocket, open it up, and look at the rest of the cigarettes. Sure, smoking is cool, but quitting smoking is even more badass. Say, “Enough,” out loud, and then crumple the pack in your fist before throwing it as far as you can.
15. Take out your cell phone and open up your Facebook app.
16. Write a new status update about how you quit smoking. Be sure to let everyone know that you did it cold turkey, that only a badass could get away with forgoing nicotine gum or stop-smoking patches.
17. You’re definitely going to have at least one or two friends who “like” your status update immediately. Unfriend them. You’re a badass. You don’t need clingy Internet friends in your life.
18. While you’re on Facebook, take a selfie – a badass selfie – with your new motorcycle and leather jacket.
19. Wait, you don’t have a leather jacket yet? What kind of a badass rides around on a motorcycle without a leather jacket?
20. I’d say take your motorcycle back to the motorcycle store to buy one of those really cool looking motorcycle specific leather jackets, but the markup on motorcycle apparel at the showroom is always way too high. You can get a much better price online. There are always tons of really badass deals you can take advantage of.
21. Like if you haven’t already done it, you can get one of those really badass online store credit cards, where they give you a percentage off of your purchase and a really low APR. You’d have to be a complete non-badass to pass up an opportunity like that.
22. While you drive back to your place to wait for your leather jacket to get delivered, make sure you cruise past the police station a few times to show the cops that you’re too badass to worry about wearing a helmet.
23. If you draw too much attention and get pulled over, that’s OK, just play it cool.
24. Tell the cops that someone just mugged you at gunpoint and demanded your helmet. It sounds like a crazy story, right? But what are they going to do, call you a liar?
25. I’m sure they’ll make you fill out a police report or something, but it’ll be worth it, because you just pulled a fast one on the cops, and nothing’s more badass than beating the system.
26. The cops are going to tell you to drive straight home. Promise that you will.
27. And as soon as you pull away from the station, mutter under your breath, “Ha, suckers,” and cruise around for a little while longer, just to thumb it in their eyes, that you don’t listen to them, you’re a badass, you do whatever you want.
28. Stop at another gas station to top off the tank. See if you can get one of those badass gas station loyalty memberships, the ones where you can save a couple of cents per gallon every other Tuesday. Those are some pretty badass savings.
29. After you’ve pumped your gas, you’re going to want to check the pressure in your tires. If it’s one of those gas stations where they charge a quarter for air, make a huge fuss.
30. Take tons of pictures of the coin slot and demand to speak to the gas station manager. Tell him you’re a lawyer, and that it’s against the law to charge for air. Show all the pictures that you took on your cell phone. Threaten to go right to City Hall. He’ll definitely give you free air. Bad. Ass.
31. If it’s one of those gas stations with a mini-mart, go inside and see if they have one of those throwback Mountain Dews made with real sugar. So tasty.
32. When you’re paying for the soda, tell the guy behind the counter you want a couple of scratch-offs also. After he hands them to you, he’ll probably say something like, “Good luck.” Look him dead in the eye and start tearing the scratch-offs to shreds. Say something badass like, “In my line of work, I don’t have time for luck.”
33. When you hop back on your motorcycle, rev the engine up really loud, over and over again, loud enough so that the manager and the clerk will both wonder what all the noise is. When you can see them looking out the window your way, peel out in the parking lot, start doing a bunch of really dirty figure eights. After a couple of minutes, scream out, “Yee-haw!” and tear out of that gas station.
34. Cruise around town a little while longer. See if you can’t find any other motorcycles on the road. If you do, pull up really close, dangerously close. Challenge them to a race.
35. If the other driver agrees, set up the race so that you both start right by the police station. When the race starts, rev your engine up like you’re about to gun it. But then ease up on the throttle and let the other guy speed off. It’s right by a police station, so there’s bound to be a cop or two ready to pull him over for speeding and reckless motorcycling.
36. As they’re writing him a ticket, pull up alongside and say, “Officer! That’s him! That’s the guy who stole my helmet!”
37. Say to the officers, “I’m pretty sure, yeah. Hold on, let me take a closer look.”
38. When you step in a little closer to examine the perp, whisper in his ear, “Listen buddy, either you give me a hundred dollars, or I’m going to tell these cops that you’re the guy they’re after.” Of course he’s going to pay up. You just scammed your way into a free hundred dollars. That’s totally badass.
39. OK, enough motorcycling. It’s pure badass, sure. But if you rely too heavily on one thing from which to draw upon all of your badassery, it kind of loses its punch after a while. In fact, motorcycles are kind of a headache, you know what I mean? You can’t listen to the radio. And if it’s snowing out, or raining, you immediately go from badass to just some dude hiding under an overpass, shivering, wet, hoping that it won’t be one of those all-night storms, just wanting nothing more than to go home and dry off. No, motorcycles are cool for like a day, tops. You’ve got to sell you motorcycle. See if you can sell it on Craigslist for even more than you bought it. Make up some bullshit story. Tell the buyer that Keanu Reeves used to ride around on this motorcycle. Offer to throw in that leather motorcycle jacket you bought online.
40. You might run into a little trouble if whoever’s looking at buying the bike asks you if it comes with a helmet. Just say that it doesn’t. If they guy asks you why you’re willing to part with your leather motorcycle jacket but not your helmet, tell him some made-up story, lie about having been in a really badass motorcycle accident, and how the helmet saved your life. Tap on your head and say something like, “Yep, they had to reinforce my skull with a couple of titanium plates.”
41. But you might have actually gone a little too far with your badass story, because now the guy buying your motorcycle is having second thoughts. “Gee,” he might say, “I knew motorcycles were dangerous, but hearing your story really kind of drove it home. I’m not so sure about this anymore.”
42. Now you’re going to have to swing the other way, which is going to be a little challenging, seeing as how you really played the whole motorcycle crash into your badass persona. I know, maybe you can make it like you were in the middle of a high-stakes badass illegal motorcycle street race when you had your accident. “No, this bike’s safe,” you can tell the guy. “I’m the dangerous one.” Say it with a really ominous tone of voice. Maybe the guy’ll get scared, like you’re kind of threatening him, like buy the bike, or else.
43. Now that you don’t have a motorcycle anymore, you’ve got to think about how else you’ll be able to show everybody that you’re still a badass. Go to your computer and type something like, “How to be a badass” into your search engine.
44. You’ve got to be a little careful here though, because the Internet’s a big place. For example, you might stumble upon some of those crazy videos of Russian teenage daredevils hanging from one hand on top of really tall radio antannaes and giant construction cranes. Yes, that’s technically very badass. But it’s also kind of suicidal. Besides, is that really something you think you’re capable of?
45. On the other hand, you’re bound to run into more than a fair share of non-badass suggestions, list articles like, “10 ways to be a badass.” No way, you’re never going to find any legit badass advice on the Internet.
46. In fact, what are you doing on the Internet? Aren’t you supposed to be a badass? The Internet isn’t badass at all. It’s like the opposite of badass. What happens if someone checks your search history? They’re going to see that you were Googling how to be a badass. You’re going to look like a total dweeb. Clear your browser history and turn off your computer.
47. You know what? Forget everything I said. Turn your computer back on. You’ve got some online shopping to do.
48. All you really need is some badass clothing. That should do the trick. Get a bunch of stuff on Amazon.
49. Make sure you buy one of those Ramones or CBGBs t-shirts. Those are totally badass.
50. Now all you have to do is sit around and wait for your package to arrive. You do have free Prime two-day shipping, right? Man, I don’t know how they can afford it. It’s such a badass deal.