What It’s Like To Date A Guy Who’s Always Tired

Shutterstock / Luis Molinero
Shutterstock / Luis Molinero

What? Yeah, baby, I’m awake, sorry, just took a little powernap. Yeah, sweetie, I don’t know, what do you want to do tonight? I’m down for whatever. I was thinking we could just stay in and watch some TV. I know you wanted to go out, but I’m just really beat. I had such a long day at work, and then I hit the gym. It was exhausting. Did I tell you I ran three miles? I think I sent you a text. Well, I walked the last one. I walked/ran it, mostly walking though. I don’t know what’s wrong with me today. I’m just totally out of gas.

It’s like my whole day has been off, like I’ve been running really late. I was on the subway before and I must have fallen asleep and stayed on past your stop. Which wouldn’t have been that bad, I mean, I still could have made it to your place on time, and this sounds crazy, I know, but on the way back, I fell asleep again, and I wound up like right back where I started.

Should we eat in or order take-out? I’m just saying, it’s so late already. Well, seven o’clock is kind of late. And you figure, by the time we get there, it’ll be like seven-thirty, and then we’ll have to wait for a table, so that’s like seven-thirty-five, seven-forty. And those restaurants are always so dark inside. It’s like, whenever I’m in a really dimly lit place, my eyes can’t help it, they just want to take a little rest. And come on, you always get so pissed when I start dozing off at the table. Right?

By the way, I had such a great time meeting your mom last weekend. What did she about me? Anemic? I don’t think that’s a really fair description. I mean, did you tell her that I was really tired? That I had a really busy week? Did you tell her that I played basketball on Monday night? Well, maybe if you told her I played basketball, she would have understood. Because, I’m telling you, I was hustling Monday night. We got in a good run. But yeah, I guess that might have been a little rude of me, nodding off when she started talking about her hysterectomy. Which, I agree, that was an awkward moment for me to drift off, but who talks about a hysterectomy to a person they’ve just met? And if it was so important for me to stay awake, why’d you give me that glass of wine? See? There you go. And I’ve told you a million times how comfortable your couch is, man, I could just live on that couch, it’s like sometimes I don’t even have to be in your apartment, I’ll just start thinking about sinking into those plush cushions and …

Sorry! What? No, I did not just fall asleep. I was just thinking about something. Come on, you never lose your train of thought? Well that’s how I get my train of thought back, I have to like close my eyes and start thinking about what I was thinking about. Don’t get mad at me. That’s not fair. It’s because I’m so comfortable around you. That’s a compliment, it’s saying a lot, that I can really just let my guard down around you and feel safe. Right … well, yeah, I did say that I fell asleep on the subway earlier, but that’s just a testament to how far this city’s turned around, that I feel safe enough to fall asleep on the train.

How about, I’ll work on it, OK? I’ll try to be more alert. I’ll drink a big coffee. Let’s just forget about it and watch some TV. What do you want to watch? I’ll watch whatever. Seriously, you pick. It’s just that, well, can I start drinking coffee tomorrow? Because right now I’m just barely hanging on here. I don’t think I’m going to be able to make it through an entire episode. Not on this couch. But you watch it, go ahead. Here, you can curl up right here, right on my shoulder.

Yeah, but it’s not like a really loud snoring, is it? I just, I always thought that if I were the type of guy to snore, I’d wake myself up in the process. I don’t know, am I a really heavy sleeper? See, that should be something you appreciate, then. What I mean is, you don’t have to worry about tiptoeing around, waking me up.

OK, what does that even mean, I always look like I’m tired? Those aren’t bags under my eyes, I’ve just got really defined features. Chiseled? Whatever, I’m not getting defensive. I’m just saying, if you ever asked me, “Hey babe, how do I look?” and I said, “You look tired,” wouldn’t you be upset? And it just hurts, because, yeah, I am tired, all right, I’m spent. You think maybe it’s like a vitamin D deficiency or something? Because I always get plenty of sleep.

Is it really that big of a problem, me being so tired all the time? Why don’t we try turning it into something that can bring us closer together? We can take like a lot of really long naps and stuff. We can give each other matching pajamas and drink all sorts of nighttime herbal teas. All right, fine, I’ll work on it. I promise. What? I’m just pinching myself. Because a lot of the time I’ll have these conversations with you, where we’re fighting about something and you’re complaining that I’m always so tired, and then all of the sudden you’ll start beeping, and it turns out that it’s not you, that you’re an alarm clock, that the whole conversation was a dream and I’m still sleeping. Well, yeah, that’s why I’m pinching myself, because I don’t want to commit to trying to be more awake if this all turns out to have been a dream.

Just earlier, just right before when you woke me up and you were like, “Honey, wake up, let’s do something,” I swear, I was having basically this exact conversation, but that was all a dream. And that’s just another layer of exhaustion, going through this two, three times. Even now, I’m only ninety percent convinced I’m not dreaming right this second, because while it doesn’t happen that often, every once in a while I’ll have that dream-within-a-dream thing, like from Inception, you’re like, “Honey wake up,” and we talk about me being so tired all the time, and then you’re like, “Honey wake up,” and I’m like, seriously? How many times am I going to have this conversation? It’s just wearing me out. TC mark

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