I’m not an idiot. When your girlfriend asks you if something makes her look fat, most of the time you’re going to want to say something like, “What? Are you crazy? You’re crazy. Get the hell out of here. I’m not even entertaining that question. You? Fat? Baby, come on, you’re insane.” You’re going to want to say it immediately. Practice your answer in advance. Mix up the various sentence fragments so your answer doesn’t sound the same every time. And even if you do everything right, the best you’re going to get is one of those sideways glances, like she’s making you think that she thinks you’re full of baloney. But when your girlfriend asks if you think she looks fat, and you say no way, that look of disapproval is as satisfied as she’s going to get.
Having said all of that, there are some extremely rare circumstances where it’s not only OK, but imperative you that you answer that question in the affirmative. Like I said, they’re very rare, almost to the point where you’ll probably never find yourself in a situation where you’ve got to say yes. But still, it’s always a good idea to be prepared. Because you never know, right? Here are the five times when it’s OK to say, yes, honey, that outfit makes you look fat.
1. A madman with a gun makes you say it
Yes, this is a total cop-out, because it can be used for a lot of situations you’d otherwise never agree to be a part of. But it’s worth mentioning, because it’s technically within the realm of possibility. Lets say that you and your girlfriend are getting ready to go out for the night. You finished showering and putting on your deodorant something like two or three hours ago. You’ve already watched a whole movie and now you’re playing video games when your girlfriend walks in and says, “How do I look? Does this outfit make me look fat?”
What if a madman with a gun breaks into your house at that very moment and screams out, “Say yes! Say that she looks fat! Or I’ll kill the both of you!” In this really, almost comically unrealistic scenario, you’ve got to do what he says. And even after he robs your house and after the cops come and take their report, that night, when you’re holding each other, shaking, crying, totally unsettled by how the sanctity of your home could have been so violated, she’s still going to turn to you and whisper, “Baby? Were you serious?” and you’ll be like, “What are you talking about?” and she’ll say, “I know the gunman told you to say it, but did you really think I looked fat?”
2. She asks when all of your friends are over
Again, this is totally unlikely to happen, because what kind of a girl gets ready while her boyfriend and all of his friends are hanging out together in the same house? But just say that you guys have company over from out of town, or I don’t know, maybe you invited your friends over, but you didn’t know that it wasn’t cool, that your girlfriend was going to get pissed off. And when she said, “fine, whatever,” when you asked if they could stay, you couldn’t take the hint, and you called out back to your friends, “She said it’s fine, we’re all good!”
Why would she come down in front of all of you and say, “Does this outfit make me look fat?” I don’t know. I can’t think of any realistic situation in which she would do this in front of a bunch of guys. But if she did, it’s too good of an opportunity to pass up on what I can only imagine has to be one of the funniest jokes in the right context. You have to say, “Yeah, you look phat baby!” And then when she gets that look on her face, the one that says you’re in big, big trouble, just go, “What? Oh … not fat, phat! You look phat with a P-H!” And then everybody’s going to laugh and laugh and even your girlfriend will laugh, and then she’ll forgive you, because come on, that’s got to be really funny.
3. On opposite day
I haven’t played Opposite Day since I was a little kid, and I doubt that I’ll be playing it any time in the future. It’s actually a lot harder than I remember. Like, not everything has a polar opposite. And so a question like, “How do you like your steak?” wouldn’t really make sense in terms of Opposite Day. Still, you never know when your significant other is going to want to engage the child at heart.
So on the off-chance that your girlfriend says to you, “Hey honey, let’s play Opposite Day,” and then immediately follows up with, “Does this make me look fat?” then you’ve got to pull a quick reversal, saying stuff like, “Yes. Of course. Without a doubt. How could you think otherwise?” Because she’s looking to see if you’re paying attention. And if you’re not paying attention, you’re implicitly calling her fat. And why would you do that to your girlfriend? What’s wrong with you?
4. The madman with a gun comes back and brings all of his madmen friends
In what universe would this ever happen? I can’t think of one. But it stands to reason that, since you already let the madman invade your home and tell you to call your girlfriend fat, wouldn’t he maybe want to come back and bring a bunch of his crazy friends?
If it’s like a total home invasion, a whole gang of insane gun-wielding psychos, standing around you and your girlfriend, threatening to shoot you both if you don’t call her fat, I’m sure it’s not going to be something that you’re going to want to go through again, but just call her fat and hope they go away. And then you should probably move. And invest in an alarm system.
5. If they ever create a reality show called the Biggest Winner
That makes sense, right? Just imagine that you and your girlfriend apply for a secret new reality show. And after you make it as contestants, the producers tell you the rules: the couple that gains the most weight over the course of the show gets a grand prize of millions and millions of dollars.
And then say you and your girlfriend make it to the finals. They’re doing one of those live event finale episodes, where they do a weigh-in in front of a national audience. And you’re getting ready backstage and, not only do you want to win, but you want to make it look convincing. So the wardrobe department gave you all of these tight outfits to wear, to really show off all of the weight you’ve gained. If your girlfriend asks you, “Sweetie, does this top make me look fat?” I think that, given the circumstances, it’s only appropriate to be honest. “Yes baby,” tell her, “you look like a blimp. Now lets get on that giant scale and win millions and millions of dollars.”