10 Types Of Children That Truly Suck

image - Flickr / Lulu Lovering
image – Flickr / Lulu Lovering

It’s so easy to hate on moms and dads. They’re all inherently lame, so you could argue that pretty much any type of parent will find a spot on any list of worsts. But what about the kids? Yeah, maybe parenting is a tough job, but it’s got to be exponentially harder if your child is a total loser. I mean, you can only do so much with what you’re given, right? If your kid is anything like these kids, I feel for you, I really do. Here are the ten worst types of children.

1. Won’t say hi, won’t make eye contact

You know the type. They’re always cowering behind mom or dad’s shoulder, making a stupid little sourpuss face. “Hey buddy! What’s going on! It’s me, your uncle!” and the parents are like, “Junior! Say hi to your uncle. Junior, we talked about this in the car. Junior. Say hi. Junior!” And then maybe … maybe Junior will look you right in the eye and, just barely moving his lips, he’ll mutter an almost incomprehensible monosyllable. At this point, almost everybody’s lost interest in entertaining the antisocial little jerk. You’re like, “Good enough.” And mom or dad mouths to you, “I’m sorry. He’s just so shy.” He’s not shy. He’s being an asshole.

2. Only acknowledges your existence when something is needed

I hate these kids, the types that are all hugs and kisses when you come over bearing a present, but as soon as the wrapping paper hits the floor, it’s like you’ve gone totally invisible. “Do you like it? Do you like the gift?” Obviously he likes the gift, he’s playing with it. But he’s not answering you. He’s not making eye contact. You’re saying his name over and over again and nothing, no response. And then like ten minutes before you leave to say goodbye, he’s asleep. Come on dude, I know you’re faking it. I just saw you wiping your buggers underneath the kitchen table. You don’t want to say bye to me? Fine. But the whole fake-sleeping act is just insulting my intelligence.

3. Temper Tantrum

Every once in a while I’ll be at the park and some unlucky parent is dragging their son or daughter, kicking and screaming, channeling every ounce of energy inside their tiny little bodies to throw a mega shit-fit. “I don’t want to go home!” they just keep wailing, over and over again. “Waaaa! Waaaaaa!” Goddamn it, you’re like three years old. Grow the eff up. It’s like, clearly the temper tantrum thing isn’t working, because you’re still leaving the park. So it all leads me to believe that, somewhere in their tiny little undeveloped brains, all they’re thinking is, well, if I can’t get my way, all I care about is being a little asshole. I hope mom and dad enjoy high-pitched screaming, because that’s all they’re getting for the rest of the day. Thanks for taking me to the park!

4. Kid who doesn’t know how to eat ice cream

These little brats piss me off the most, because they simply refuse to follow instructions. Listen up kid, that ice cream that you’re eating is a treat, a privilege even. Do you know what percentage of snot-nosed little four-year-olds in the history of the human race got to enjoy an ice cream cone? You have no idea how good you have it right now. So stop letting it melt. Jesus Christ, just start at the top of the cone, and lick up so that none of the ice cream melts over the side. Come on dude, it’s not that hard. No, now it’s tipping over. Careful! No, don’t balance it with your hands. Holy shit, it’s all over you now. The ice cream guy only gave me two napkins. How the hell am I supposed to clean you up? Will you stop touching your shirt? Did you seriously just drop it? And now you’re trying to pick it up and eat it again? What’s wrong with you?

5. Baby who’s always missing a shoe

I just don’t understand these kids. It’s like, why do you have to be so defiant? If you’re going to take one shoe off, why leave the other one on? Doesn’t that interference with your balance when you’re running around? Can’t you just try to keep them together in one spot? Seriously, all of these buckles, they’re not easy to put on, especially when you won’t stop squirming. And then as soon as we’re good to go, it’s like you’re pawing away at the straps, that left foot that for some reason insists on being free.

6. Why is this kid always so sticky?

If my hands are sticky, all I want to do is wash them immediately. It becomes my most pressing concern. So I don’t relate at all to those kids that always seem to be covered in a thin layer of stick. And yeah, you don’t want anything to do with me when you’re nice and clean, but now that you’re all disgusting and sticky, you’re trying to give me hugs and put your hands in my face. Can you just stay away for a little while? Can someone get this sticky toddler a moist towelette?

7. Way too old to not be potty trained

Hey buddy, if you’re looking me in eyes and telling me that you’re taking a dump in your diaper, guess what? You’re way too old to be wearing diapers. What’s the hang up? Do you enjoy the momentary sense of mid-body warmth that comes along with crapping your pants? Because yeah, I guess it’s got to feel great for about half second. But doesn’t it get cold? And I mean, I can smell you, and it’s nasty. Don’t you smell that? And I know you can hold it. Whenever your parents put you on the training potty, it’s like that’s all you know how to do. So come on man, why are you still doing this to everybody?

8. Rip Van Winkle Jr.

Some kids are just always asleep. And I know, I complain about kids that cry, I complain about kids that won’t stop screaming, so you’d think I’d enjoy a kid that spends most of his or her time napping. But do you have sleep right now? Do you know how expensive these tickets to Disney World were? Or, do you think it was my choice to buy two movie tickets to the G-rated matinee? Those are the things you should be awake for, OK, the only enjoyment adults get out of any of that little-kid nonsense is watching your little faces eat it up. And it’s not cool if you’re just always asleep. No, it’s actually a little ungrateful. Stop being so ungrateful.

9. Addicted to TV

And then you have the households that are totally dominated by the ever-playing presence of Nick Jr. and the baby Disney Channel. Is that really all you aspire to, sitting around and watching the same reruns of Doc McStuffins over and over again? Do you want to go outside? No. Do you want to come in for dinner? No. Can you come say hi to grandma and grandpa? No. I love TV too, but this is too much. Not only are you doing absolutely nothing, but you’re making the rest of the household watch this mindless drivel.

10. Kid who won’t stop asking for my iPhone

Go ahead and keep screaming, you’re not touching my iPhone. Yeah, I know you know how to use it. I’ve seen you get past the lock screen and start ordering hundreds of dollars worth of takeout on the Seamless app. That wasn’t cool. You know when I got my first cell phone? When I was seventeen. It was a stupid black and white Nokia. So I do not feel bad at all for the fact that you can’t play with my iPhone. It’s not happening. Go ahead and keep up your stupid baby theatrics. I’ll start playing with it in front of you. Look at that! Here’s the camera! And now I’m taking pictures of myself and not you! Isn’t that fun! Say cheese! Cheese! TC mark

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