Earlier this year I made the switch from regular headphones to wireless headphones. A few of my friends asked me if I liked them, but it was more than just enjoying a magnificent set of headphones. I have the Sol Republic Tracks Air and can honestly say they’re the greatest headphones in the world, but it’s about more than just flawless sound quality and superb comfort; it’s about preventing tragedy. You may be wondering how on earth could a pair of headphones prevent something terrible from happening. Here are 13 very specific circumstances that would turn out much better if you had wireless headphones.
1. Let’s say you’re taking your dog out for a walk while listening to music. You bend over to pick something up and now your dog’s leash is tangled up with your headphones. You start to work through the cords and the leash slips out of your hand. Your dog sees a squirrel and runs into the woods. You never see your dog again. It all could have been prevented.
2. What if your mom likes cooking pasta while listening to music? She’s going to get caught up in her Brooks and Dunn album, or whatever it is that your mom jams out to while cooking, and not notice her cord hanging down into her bowl of pasta. She’s going to get startled and the headphones are going to fall into the dish. Now it’s ruined. Aren’t you hungry? If you’d bought her wireless headphones you would be eating right now instead of consulting your weeping mother.
3. Have you ever tried to dip it low with headphones on? They fall off 95% of the time and now you just look dumb. Save yourself the public humiliation of your headphones falling off while dipping it low. Dip with confidence. Dip with pride.
4. If you’re like me, when you go jogging, you swing your arms wildly and with such force that other people on the track or in the park are frightened for their safety. The reason I have to swing my arms like the inflatable sign at a used car lot is because my headphone cables keep getting tangled or keep falling out of my ears. I was once sprayed with a hose because someone thought I was being attacked by bees. It was horrible.
5. The worst part of #4 is that, after they sprayed me with the hose and told me they thought I was being attacked by bees, I instantly started thinking about My Girl when Thomas Jay gets stung while looking for Vada’s mood ring. COULD THIS DAY GET ANY WORSE?
6. I think I have a tragic condition the medical community refuses to acknowledge. I have wideset ear canals and I think I’m very sensitive about it. Please don’t judge me. The least bit of resistance would cause my headphones to fly out of my ears while all the neighborhood kids would point and laugh. Well who’s laughing now, Billy? Not you!
7. Here’s everyone that made it onto the island on Lost. You know what I don’t see? Anyone with wired headphones. Coincidence?
8. If you were ever in a Final Destination movie I would assume one of the worst things you could possibly do is wear headphones with giant cables hanging in front of your neck. I haven’t consulted Devon Sawa on this, but I would imagine he’d agree. You should always have a pair of wireless headphones juuuuuust in case you find yourself in a Final Destination movie. You can quote me on that one. I’ll always stand by it.
10. Everyone is tired of hearing about The Wire, but no one is tired of hearing about..THE WIRELESS! (The line to give me a high five for that joke starts right over here. Don’t push, you’ll all get a turn.)
11. If you saw someone steal an old lady’s purse and the only thing you had on you was your headphones, you couldn’t unplug your wired headphones in time to throw them at the criminal and thwart the crime. With wireless ones, you could take those things off and throw them like a ninja star to knock out the criminal and become a local hero. Free sandwiches for life!
12. If your uncle has a terrible habit of cursing in front of children like mine does, then you’ve had that awful moment of trying to cover a child’s ears to prevent their brains from being tarnished by R rated jokes. Let’s say your uncle starts telling his NSFW story and you don’t have time to untangle your headphones and prevent your little brother from growing up way too fast. If only there were headphones that didn’t have a wire. You could have sheltered him from so much terrible things in life, like your loud uncle.
13. Nowadays everyone has a cell phone. No one has a phone with a cord on it anymore. You know who the coolest people were with cell phones? The ones who had them before everyone’s aunt had one. Don’t believe me? Take a look at exhibit A:
ZACK MORRIS! You know who was still using a phone with a cord?
SCREECH! Just like when Morpheus offered Neo two different pills, you have two choices before you right now. Do you want a cord like Screech or wireless like Zack Morris? I know what I’m choosing. I’m taking my lovely wireless headphones and living a glorious life.