If you’ve somehow never seen Cabin in the Woods and you’re a fan of horror, go watch it right now. We’ll wait for you. Are you back? Wasn’t that great?? Now that we’re all on the same page we can talk about the horror-fan psychological overload that took place towards the end of the movie when all the monsters were freed and went nuts on everyone they could find. But I’m sure the unanswered question that lingered in my mind also took refuge in your subconscious as well; which of the monsters would make the best roommates? Don’t worry, we’re going to go through the most memorable creatures, ghosts, goblins, and demons and determine the pros and cons of sharing an apartment or townhouse with each of them. Also, a big thanks is owed to the Cabin in the Woods wiki for naming and categorizing each of the monsters and DinosaurDracula for finding pictures of the obscure monsters.
Fornicus, Lord of Bondage and Pain
Pros: He’s quiet so you don’t have to worry about having one of those roommates that makes loud phone calls and is laughing until the late hours of the night. Plus he’s hairless so you don’t have to worry about him “borrowing” your razor.
Cons: Lord of Bondage and Pain is sometimes a difficult sell when introducing a possible third roommate to him. Sure you get to split the bills into thirds instead of half, but a saw-faced being that thrives on your suffering can make home life a little uneasy.
The Evil Doctors
Pros: WebMD is so unreliable. It would be great to have a roommate that could look at your ankle and tell if it’s broken or just a sprain in a matter of minutes.
Cons: Unfortunately after almost any diagnosis, their only suggestion for treatment would be murder. That would get old really fast.
Vine-Covered Bull Demon
Pros: You always some plants to spruce up the house, right?
Cons: The combination of being a demon creature that also has vine growing out of him isn’t going to be very inviting for the ladies you bring over. Well, unless you happen to come across an evil botanist attempting to summon a dark entity from the nether realms into our world. But I mean who isn’t looking for that nowadays?
Pros: Who hasn’t dreamed of having a few extra hands to help around the house? Dishes would be done in a matter of minutes!
Cons: Your house would always smell like Long John Silvers. Your water bill would skyrocket. Plus you couldn’t make seafood without it being uncomfortable for the next few days.
Pros: If your sister brings her kids over unexpectedly and you can’t find the DVD of Frozen you bought for their visits, he could do a few tricks for them or maybe juggle?
Cons: Unfortunately, after that, he would more than likely murder them. Probably not worth it, in my opinion.
Pros: Your holiday greeting cards would be adorable as the two of you reenact your favorite scenes from Splash to send out to your friends and family. Who doesn’t love that film?
Cons: If you think your current roommate takes a long time in the bathroom, just wait until you have an aquatic flesh-eating monster. Plus that hair looks thin and brittle so your drains will always be clogged.
Sugar Plum Fairy
Pros: You always get to pick what you guys watch on television, consider she has no eyes. You know how your current roommate always asks for some of your Carmex lip balm when you pull it out? You’ll never have to worry about that again.
Cons: Even if you write your name on your food, she’s going to eat it and claim to have never seen the label. Finding hair on your bar of soap is bad enough, but finding teeth is a whole other level that requires multiple house meetings.
Pros: There’s a whole family of them so your utility bill is going to drop because now you’re splitting it five ways! With a family in the house you’ll get nice, home cooked meals too. The meals may be made of human flesh, but it’s still better than takeout.
Cons: They live underground a large percentage of the time, so when they come back home they’re going to track dirt and mud everywhere. There’s no way you’ll get your deposit back after they’ve dragged a corpse across the carpet either.
Pros: Every Sunday night all your friends will want to come over for the most authentic and exciting Game of Thrones watch party of all time. If you work first shift you guys would be on opposite shower schedules so you don’t have to worry about running out of hot water.
Cons: Your landlord is probably going to consider him a pet, so you’re going to have to pay a deposit and possibly a monthly fee as well.
Pros: They’re quiet, keep to themselves, and probably won’t be having a lot of friends over.
Cons: Other than the obvious fear of being tortured and murdered at any given moment, this group would make a pretty decent set of roommates.
Pros: Do you know how many dates you’ll be able to bring up to your room when you say, “Hey my roommate is a unicorn if you want to come up and check it out.”
Cons: A large percentage of your friends are going to get impaled. Plus, if he decides to borrow any of your clothes there’s probably going to be a giant hole in them. “If you didn’t wear my dress shirt then explain this horn hole in the back of it!”
The Twin Girls
Pros: Twins creep me out more than anything else so that cancels out any pro you could possibly come up with here.
Cons: They’re children so you’re going to be driving them to school, going to PTA meetings, and taking them to buy backpacks and whatnot. What’s even worse is they’re evil, probably undead, beings so they’ll be children forever. School shopping for the rest of your life is going to get way too expensive.
The Angry Molesting Tree
Pros: During the warmest days of summer, there’s nothing more refreshing than reading a good book under the shade of a tree. You can have access to that joy whenever you want.
Cons: As a general rule, you normally want to avoid any roommate that advertises the word “molesting” in their name. If you insist on having a tree live with you, the Ticket Oak is probably a better choice, to be quite honest.
The Giant Rattlesnake
Pros: Your last roommate would leave food sitting all over the place, which ended up causing you guys to get mice. Say goodbye to that problem forever! On top of that, if the two of you went to a Halloween party together, you could be Jake “The Snake” Roberts and pull your snake friend out of a giant, burlap sack much to the delight of all your friends.
Cons: He will most definitely eat your pets. It’s not even a question. Your pets will be gone forever.
The Toxic Mutants
Pros: I suppose whenever you want to go camping, you have a guide to take you to the best spots since that’s presumably where his mutation took place.
Cons: Have you ever tried to get toxic sludge out of a duvet cover? No thank you.