If you get the chance to look back at the commercials aimed at kids in the 90s, you should really check it out. The predominant theme of almost every commercial was YOUR PARENTS DON’T LIKE THIS BUT THAT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE IDIOTS! BUY OUR STUFF! SUCK IT, PARENTS!
My favorite sugar pusher has to be Bubble Tape. Don’t get me wrong, I bought this stuff by the yard, but I also was the wet dream of every dentist as my teeth were full of more holes than Mean Girls. That’s right I said Mean Girls. If Lindsay Lohan was supposed to be the one that made the burn book, then how did she write about all the things that happened before she went to school there? Plus she had pictures! How would she get those? Anyway, back to Bubble Tape. Their commercials were based on explaining why all the adults in your life aren’t cool and why Bubble Tape is better than them. Watch this one and then we’ll break it down:
Let’s just take it line by line:
Your gym teacher escaped from charm school: Was he being held captive at charm school? Also how do you know this? Maybe he said he was going to watch Charmed after school and you misunderstood. Who doesn’t love Charmed? I love you, Alyssa Milano.
Irons his underwear: Again, I’m not sure how you know this. Are the Bubble Tape people watching him through his windows? I don’t care what he does with his clothes in the privacy of his own home. He can dry clean his cat for all I care.
Watches hygiene films: You’re peddling bubble gum 72 inches at a time so if someone wants to watch a video on how to improve their hygiene you’re probably the last person that should be calling them out.
He says, “anyone chewing Bubble Tape owes me fifty pushups”: That’s just about enough exercise to work off the gob of Bubble Tape you just inhaled, so thank you.
The lunch lady wears a hairnet: She’s cooking food, soooo thank you? What are you going to make fun of her for next? Washing her hands? Not keeping salisbury steaks in her pockets? Refraining from dry humping the creamed corn?
Serves mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop: This is more of an issue with school budgeting than her personal life choices. It’s a perfectly acceptable way to serve potatoes, but if you have an issue with it, I would suggest addressing it at the next PTA meeting.
Puts gravy on everything: You’re saying this as a bad thing? I would LOVE my lunch lady if she poured gravy on everything. Actually just pour the gravy directly into my mouth. You’re the best, lunch lady.
She says, “Bubble Tape is not part of a well balanced diet”: Uh, yeah. I believe science also supports this theory. You’re a piece of bubble gum that’s as big as the average shooting guard in the NBA.
Your principal can’t smile: Are you saying he physically lacks the ability to smile? Maybe his teeth are all jacked up because he spent his younger years chomping down on Bubble Tape and now his teeth are so mangled he’s ashamed of them. You guys are like meth for kids.
Can’t swim: Well now you’re just being mean.
Can’t rap: Um can you rap? Are we now only taking advice from people with the ability to rap? “KILL YOUR PARENTS, THEY AREN’T HOOD ENOUGH!” Is Bubble Tape like the NWA now?
Can’t stand Bubble Tape: I’m starting to dislike you guys quite a bit myself. You’re hating on an old man for not being able to freestyle and a lunch lady for obeying proper sanitation requirements.
Your school bus driver can’t drive: I highly doubt that, but if she literally lacks the ability to drive she shouldn’t have been hired for the job. Also, why is that a man barely dressed as a woman?
Wears curlers: Hey you know who else wears curlers??
Makes funny noises: You’ve lost all credibility at this point, Bubble Tape. You’ve attacked people on a deep, personal level. Also your gum’s flavor vanishes faster than Fruit Stripe Gum, which I didn’t even realize was possible.
Won’t try Bubble Tape: Go live in a dumpster, Bubble Tape.