Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
— Josh Hara (@yoyoha) January 15, 2011
No smartphones for my kids. They need to suffer years of fleeting, awkward eye contact with strangers like I did.
— Sarah Thyre (@SarahThyre) November 15, 2011
The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) June 5, 2014
Hey moms! Here's a fun game to play: When your kid gets home from school, be lying on the floor screaming in pain, "YOU STEPPED ON A CRACK!"
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) September 8, 2011
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today "what poison would kill someone the fastest?" and now I'm wondering if I've underestimated her.
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) December 24, 2013
Gave children 'The Talk' today. They needed to know that mechanical pencils, no matter how aesthetically-superior, will only bring sadness.
— Amanda Mancino (@Manda_like_wine) August 27, 2012
Being home with kids all day is just the loneliest never-alone thing. Like living in a cave filled with malfunctioning Teddy Ruxpins.
— Linda (@Sundry) June 26, 2014
5 year old is at my Gram's memorial. She's pissed that Gram didn't show up.
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) July 13, 2014
Is it bad that my 11 month old daughter and I have basically the same body
— Ike Barinholtz (@ikebarinholtz) May 28, 2014
My son would like me to tweet this joke he made up: Q: What do you call a pig from 65,000,000 years ago? A: Jurassic Pork.
— lisa goodwin (@LisaGoodwin1) November 13, 2013
Yo momma so fat it was very difficult for me to ejaculate when I had sex with her. But I did, and that's all that matters. Love you son.
— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) April 24, 2013
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
— Kim (@Kim_pulsive) December 8, 2013
Asked my niece if she had to go number 1 or number 2 and she said "666" and is crawling on the ceiling lol parenting is hard
— Jeffrey Hadz (@Hadzilla) April 28, 2012
No one wants to talk to your kid on the phone. No one. No one.
— Pony Starwars (@tigersgoroooar) June 10, 2012
why is it so hard just to get your kids to say "bitch please" and "bitch thank you"
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) July 18, 2013
A good outdoor activity to do with kids is trying to find them after you've been looking at your phone for 3 hours.
— Eli Terry (@EliTerry) February 22, 2014
I just asked my 8yo to quit yelling and he said, "I'm NOT yelling. This is my voice and all my life I've been whispering. Now I'm free!"
— JennyPentland (@JennyPentland) December 21, 2013
According to my kid, the perfect amount of time to stay at the park is five more minutes.
— Jay Skarlow (@RockabillyJay) July 10, 2014
When my kid is screaming in a restaurant and I'm not doing anything it's because I'm waiting for a stranger to step in and handle it.
— Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) July 3, 2014