Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
— yoyoha (@yoyoha) January 15, 2011
No smartphones for my kids. They need to suffer years of fleeting, awkward eye contact with strangers like I did.
— Sarah Thyre (@SarahThyre) November 15, 2011
Hey moms! Here's a fun game to play: When your kid gets home from school, be lying on the floor screaming in pain, "YOU STEPPED ON A CRACK!"
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) September 8, 2011
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today "what poison would kill someone the fastest?" and now I'm wondering if I've underestimated her.
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) December 24, 2013
Gave children 'The Talk' today. They needed to know that mechanical pencils, no matter how aesthetically-superior, will only bring sadness.
— Amanda Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) August 27, 2012
Being home with kids all day is just the loneliest never-alone thing. Like living in a cave filled with malfunctioning Teddy Ruxpins.
— Linda (@Sundry) June 26, 2014
Is it bad that my 11 month old daughter and I have basically the same body
— Ike Barinholtz (@ikebarinholtz) May 28, 2014
My son would like me to tweet this joke he made up:
Q: What do you call a pig from 65,000,000 years ago?
A: Jurassic Pork.
— lisa goodwin (@LisaGoodwin1) November 13, 2013
Yo momma so fat it was very difficult for me to ejaculate when I had sex with her. But I did, and that's all that matters. Love you son.
— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) April 24, 2013
.@Charmin my daughter was killed by a bear yesterday when she tried to offer it toilet paper you son of a bitch
— Rob Delaney (@robdelaney) August 3, 2012
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
— Kim (@Kim_pulsive) December 8, 2013
Asked my niece if she had to go number 1 or number 2 and she said "666" and is crawling on the ceiling lol parenting is hard
— Jeffrey Hadz (@Hadzilla) April 28, 2012
No one wants to talk to your kid on the phone. No one.
— pony starwars (@tigersgoroooar) June 10, 2012
why is it so hard just to get your kids to say "bitch please" and "bitch thank you"
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) July 18, 2013
A good outdoor activity to do with kids is trying to find them after you've been looking at your phone for 3 hours.
— Eli Terry (@EliTerry) February 22, 2014
I just asked my 8yo to quit yelling and he said, "I'm NOT yelling. This is my voice and all my life I've been whispering. Now I'm free!"
— JennyPentland GED (@JennyPentland) December 21, 2013