Dear Loud Guy At The Coffee Shop,
Hi. How are you? I couldn’t help but notice you’re having a conversation. Of course you’re free to talk to anyone you’d like whenever you want, but I do have one small request: COULD YOU, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP SCREAMING SO LOUDLY???
I realize you don’t know me and have no reason to listen to me, but dude, I’ve been to concerts that aren’t as loud as you. One time I saw Sleigh Bells at a small venue and my ears were ringing for hours. That pales in comparison to you talking about the software your company has put together. Do you hate me? We don’t know each other but I can’t think of any other reason a man would be yelling that loudly about quotas unless he really hated the person sitting next to him. I mean I’m sure I would be really impressed if I had any idea what you were talking about, but I’m just sitting here with my laptop wishing that I had sprung for the noise canceling headphones instead of buying the cheaper pair on Groupon.
Oh cool, now you’re talking on your phone, but using speakerphone for some reason. You’re holding it by your ear, yet still using speakerphone. Why is this happening? Tell Linda you’ll call her back, take it off speakerphone, or do what the rest of civilization does and just text her. I’m in hell. I just want to enjoy this brownie I paid $4.50 for and check my email, but I can’t because the lead singer of Stryper over here is yelling his conversation at his colleague like my mom giving directions to a foreign guy that doesn’t speak English.
I keep doing the move where I exhale loudly and then look at you with in a frustrated manner, but you are unshaken by my silent attempts to make you lower your voice. Have you been in public before? Does Siri weep whenever you screech into your phone asking for the nearest bistro? I am begging you, on behalf of everyone that’s ever sat next to you and all the men and women sitting next to guys just like you LOWER YOUR VOICE AND STOP MAKING EVERYONE AROUND YOU MISERABLE. Thanks, and god bless!
Literally Everyone Around You