Roommate wanted. We would split rent 50/50, utilities 50/50, cable 50/50, groceries 50/50. Ideally, you would live somewhere else

— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) April 8, 2014

Every time you leave your roommate goes in your bathroom and smells all your lotions.

— Denise! (@Stellacopter) March 11, 2014

Used to live with a psycho roommate but then I took down all the mirrors.

— dan guterman (@danguterman) March 10, 2014

Just winked at my roommate by accident and now we have to kiss or move.

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) March 1, 2014

Me: Coming out for my birthday tonight? Roommate: Let me put on a nicer shirt. *roommate takes off undershirt & puts on a Batman T-shirt*

— Brandon Scott Wolf (@BrandonEsWolf) June 9, 2014

So glad my roommate is having loud sex right now. I can almost feel it w/each huge lonely bite of burrito I slide into my fat mouth.

— rory (@rorynotroy) June 8, 2014

Oh great my roommate left just enough water in the Brita pitcher to inspire me to throw a banana at her head

— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) May 3, 2014

Felt bold. Walked naked to the bathroom. My roommate & his friends got home & are in the living room. Yes, I'm stuck naked in bathroom

— Anthony Troli (@AnthonyTroli) April 10, 2014

My roommate brought home all-natural gluten free cookies so I burned down the apartment.

— Ally Maynard (@missmayn) April 1, 2014

My roommate just asked me "how boiling" water has to be before it cooks something. I answered, "7".

— The Guy (@theguydf) March 25, 2014

I put a sock on the doorknob so that my roommate knows not to knock because I've got a pizza in my room

— MattyTalks (@mattytalks) March 12, 2014

QUICK WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOUR ROOMMATE THINKS DON CHEADLE'S NAME IS JOHN CHEADLE!!???!!?!!

— Eddie Brawley (@ebrawley) April 16, 2014

If by "sign language", you mean "pissing on the bathroom floor anytime you're upset", then yeah, my roommate's cat speaks sign language

— Dull Ass Will Weldon (@oldmanweldon) June 4, 2014

If your roommate catches you watching porn just tell them it's a new episode of "How It's Made: Babies Edition"

— Kyle H (@DepecheALAmode) April 25, 2014

My roommate had some friends over and they sat on my bed and I am quietly fuming and also panicking in the corner. O-C-D! O-C-D! O-C-D!

— Emily Faye (@MLEfaye) December 3, 2013

Lmao I just watched my roommate check the mail then only take his letters back to the house.

— Churlish (@Cryptoterra) January 6, 2014

SO ANNOYING when your roommate doesn't do dishes, throws clothes everywhere, & you can't blame him bc he doesn't exist and you live alone.

— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) February 1, 2014

.@Folgers well I'm in the hospital because apparently my roommate hates having his coffee secretly switched

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) February 1, 2014

Told my roommate I'm moving next month & he immediately decided we should do shots to celebrate & now he's drunk & this is why I'm moving.

— Drew Schnoebelen (@Dschnoeb) January 14, 2014