Internet Trolls Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Anonymous, Rude Comments

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I’ve been writing for some time and so I’ve dealt with basically every type of commenter. Some are exceptionally nice, some people want to debate, which I love, and others just want to joke around.

Then there are the trolls.

These commenters always think they’re the smartest person in the room and usually start out their sentence with “Well, actually…” Let me say, first of all, that I welcome all types of commenters. I enjoy the trolls. I will interact with them and do everything I can to “pwn” them as the teens like to say. It does get old after a while, and not because of their harsh words, but because every conversation is basically the same.

Here’s an example:

Let’s say I wrote an article about Home Alone. It’s hard to believe, but go with me on this. I write the article and post it. A few minutes later I get this comment:

PapaRoach420 said: “Dis article is stupid. Your gay and Home Alone isn’t even real.”

Well first of all, kudos on snagging that coveted username. After I’m done admiring his taste in music and love of recreational weed I’ll respond with this:

Rob Fee said: “You’re”

Then he’ll (I’m calling Paparoach420 a he just for the sake of the story. Paparoach420 could easily be a female and I support any woman that chooses to be a PapaRoach420) respond:

PapaRoach420 said: “You’re your whatever. It still sucks and YOU’RE still gay and this movie still ain’t real.”

This is where I would send him a link to the IMDB page of Home Alone proving that the movie itself is a real thing. I’m assuming he meant the story was fictitious, but it’s really fun to watch him explain his homophobic rant in greater detail.

That’s the first type, but there is one more. It’s my favorite of all. Here’s how it goes:

SierraMist69 said: “This is the worst thing I’ve ever read. Epic fail. Awful.”

Again, awesome job on landing a fantastic name. Now I highly doubt this is the worst thing he’s ever read in his life, but judging on his reliance on dated phrases like “epic fail” he probably isn’t a member of many book clubs. Nonetheless, I’ll respond with this:

Rob Fee said: “Hmm, I actually like this quite a bit and it recently won a Pulitzer, which was the first for a Home Alone-based article. Maybe it just wasn’t for you?”

By the way, in this fictitious story I just won a Pulitzer Prize in case you missed that. I responded in a way that was constructive, but also suggests that maybe it’s not the worst thing ever written by a human. Then he’ll say:

SierraMist69 said: “Wow, defensive much? If you’re a writer you should be able to take criticism. Maybe you should find a different job or not suck so much at writing. You’ll never make it if you can’t handle a little feedback from readers. U MAD BRO?”

That happens a billion times per day on the internet. Someone will say the rudest thing ever and if you respond in any way it’s because you can’t take criticism. I would say “a little criticism” would be recommending the writer watches Home Alone 2 before giving a full assessment on the whole Home Alone universe. That’s a little criticism. Saying THIS SUCKS AND YOU SHOULD DIE isn’t really criticism as much as a wish for you to perish from the earth. The best part is that if you don’t respond at all, then it’s because “you’re too scared.” You win again, anonymous trolls. Every writer is too scared to interact with you. It’s not because it’s pointless and goes nowhere. Nope, it’s because you’re filling your pants with urine out of sheer terror.

Imagine saying something like that in any other setting and then being shocked at a response. What if I went into H&R Block and was like, “YO YOU SUCK AT 1099s AND YOU’RE FAT AND ALSO YOU SHOULD KILL YOURSELF!” Then if they called security or asked me to leave I laughed and said, “Oh can’t handle a little criticism huh? Maybe W2s aren’t for you, huh? Hashtag fail!” I would look completely insane.

I love commenters and I love interacting with them almost as much as writing the articles themselves, but before you post another trolling comment take a good, long look in the mirror. If you still feel like posting it after that, maybe take your keyboard and smash yourself in the head with it a few times. Feel better? I do. TC Mark

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