I think I became a grouchy, old man when I entered my 20s. If I’m at the movies and I see a group of teens walk in I immediately start playing out a scenario in my head where I have to yell at them for interrupting my movie watching experience. I don’t even consider evening shows anymore and I’d rather wait until a movie is showing on TBS before I’d go to a weekend show. I want to be able to focus on the movie with no distractions. You may not be as awful as I am, but there are a few types of people that make you cringe as soon as you realize you’re sharing an auditorium with them. Here are ten of those awful creatures.
1. The Catheter Crew
This is usually a group of teens, but isn’t just limited to that age group. Between the five of them they’ve taken 416 trips to the bathroom within the first 45 minutes of the movie and each trip has to be announced to the rest of their friends. They’ll usually trip a couple of times while climbing over each other and this will cause the rest of the group to laugh uncontrollably. Thanks for coming out, gang!
2. “Is That My Phone?” Lady
I understand that, from time to time, you may forget to turn your phone to silent when going into a movie. It happens. This lady hears her phone go off and, even though it’s blasting merely inches away from her, she still isn’t convinced it’s her phone. Not only does the ringtone play for its entire duration, but it’s never a standard tone. It’s usually something like J-Kwon’s Tipsy or another song that you’d only hear at a wedding reception in Miami.
3. Silent But Violent Guy
This is the guy that puts his phone on silent, but instead of putting it in his pocket he places it in his cup holder. The problem is that his phone vibrates with so much force it shows up on the Richter scale every time he gets a text. And trust me, he gets a lot of texts.
4. Fake Scare Guy
I hate this guy so much. He thinks it’s hilarious to go see a horror movie with a couple of his friends and during the silent scenes scream loudly to make his friends jump. Oh cool, I’m glad you guys are having a blast because you’re ruining it for everyone else. I wish I knew which Chilis you were going to after the movie so I could keep running up and dry humping your Mix & Match Fajitas.
5. The Whisper Screamer
If you need to whisper something to your friend during the movie, I completely understand. You may have a question about a character or you’re trying to figure out what other movie you’d seen Rory Cochrane on. It was Dazed and Confused, by the way. The problem is that some people don’t lean in and whisper under the volume of the movie. Instead they do this awful scream whisper that’s as loud and abrupt as that airhorn that plays at the beginning of rap songs.
6. “Make Yourself At Home” Guy
As much as the ushers may try to stop it, people are going to prop their feet up on the seat in front of them. I don’t have a problem with this at all, unless there’s someone sitting to the left or right of the seat where you’re propping your feet. This guy plops his awful feet up mere inches from your face and thinks nothing of it. Bonus points if he’s wearing flip flops and infinite bonus points if he’s completely taken off his shoes and socks.
7. Open Mic Comedy Guy
Here’s an open letter to everyone that thinks it’s hilarious to yell out commentary during a movie or loudly talk to the characters on screen: I hate you. A movie theater isn’t really the best place to work on your new material and every time you yell, “Don’t go in there, you’re gonna die!” I secretly wish I was a male witch so I could make your mouth do that thing that Neo’s did at the beginning of The Matrix.
8. The Loud Food Smuggler
It’s none of my business if you want to sneak your own Twix Bars into the theater instead of buying the ones there. That’s between you and the lord. My only problem is when you bring in a case of Mountain Dew cans that I can hear you loudly cracking open ever 15 minutes. Not only is this horribly distracting, but it’s terrible for your body. I don’t think you’re getting enough water, to be honest.
9. The Baby Bringer
Look, I have a toddler so I know how tough it is to get out and go to the movies. However, never would I think it would be a good idea to bring my child to a non-kid’s movie. Why would you ever bring an infant to the theater? Get a babysitter or stay at home. This is coming from a parent who has stayed at home because I couldn’t get a sitter. Don’t ruin everyone else’s night because your regular sitter has prom that night.
10. The Mid-Seats Dry Humpers
I was under the impression that we had all agreed making out in the movies was acceptable as long as you’re sitting in the back row. You can just go nuts on each other. Just don’t do it anywhere near me and the other people sitting in the middle of the theater. I don’t want to be in your splash zone and if I end up getting pregnant during the previews I’m going to be so mad at you. I’m not raising this child by myself!