1. Legalized marijuana? I guess they’ll put it right next to Toys-R-Us so 4th graders can buy Razr Scooters and then go buy a dime bag.
2. You know there was a band called the Doobie Brothers, right? Guess where they are now? Dead!
3. Everybody that smokes weed ends up becoming a criminal. If you survey everyone on death row, 100% of them got into murdering after they smoked weed.
4. If it gets legalized, no one will ever be able to have a bake sale again because we won’t know which brownies are full of pot!
5. You will die from marijuana. By the way, can you do me a favor and go pick me up a pack of Newports?
6. Marijuana is so dangerous. When I was at the pharmacy getting my Percocet prescription filled, I saw a guy there that was high out of his mind. I guess he had the munchies or something.
7. The last thing I want is to be driving to the drive thru liquor store and worrying about which one of the lunatics might be swerving all over the road because they’re stoned.
8. If they make marijuana legal, what’s next? Crystal meth? Crack? Sodomy?
9. Oh it’s from the earth, huh? You know what else is from the earth? Diarrhea but I’m not rolling up a joint of that, am I?
10. You know Hitler loved marijuana, right?
11. I bet Casey Anthony was high when she buried her kid, too!
12. If they elected Obama when everyone wasn’t high, who are they going to elect when they’re all stoned? Mayor McCheese?
13. I dated a guy in high school who was captain of the football team and was probably going to be a doctor. He smoked pot two times and guess what he’s doing now? He works at Chevron because he’s in a wheelchair!
14. Why do you think they give it to cancer patients? Because they’re already dying anyway so it’s not going to make a difference.
15. Oh I know what high people look like. Half Baked was on TNT the other day after The Closer went off. Really looking forward to everyone acting like the Goat Man from Saturday Night Live.