I’m a big fan of Home Alone. I’ve discussed things that bothered me about it and things that I’ve learned from it. Actually there’s a lot of things I’ve learned from it. If you watched it as many times growing up as I did, this comes as no surprise. It was the defining movie of my childhood. Here are 15 life lessons I learned from Home Alone.
1. A fun prank is to give a pizza delivery guy a terrible tip and then make him think you’re a psychopath who’s trying to murder him. Don’t worry though, he won’t call the police or report the incident to a supervisor.
2. If you saw a house full of people partying one night and then witnessed a murder the next day, but it’s followed by a kid cutting down a tree, the first thing you should suspect is that it’s an elaborate hoax put together by the child. Ignore all natural instincts and assume he faked all of those things.
3. The next time you can’t get a flight, don’t rent a car of your own to get home. That’s too dangerous. Instead, crawl into the back of a moving van with seven strange men in matching clothes. That should always work out well.
4. If you work at a store as Santa, don’t bring a change of clothes for when you leave. Only wear your Santa clothes including the fake beard and hat. Live the illusion.
5. Also, if a minor informs you that his entire family is missing and begs for you to help bring them back followed by him wandering into the darkness alone, don’t trouble yourself with following up. Even if he gave you his home address, don’t let the authorities know. You have a party to attend, and he’s probably not about to get attacked by a pair of criminals.
6. Let’s say you overheard some criminals discussing how they’re going to break into your home. Let’s also say you come across a group of adults that live down the street from you. Whatever you do, don’t let them know the situation and ask for help. Instead, just remember your family that you destroyed using dark magic.
7. The average attendance for a mass choir performance at a large church is around 8 people.
8. Maybe you’ve spotted your next door neighbor’s child by himself several blocks from his home in the middle of the night. Don’t question it or ask if he needs someone to walk him home. Send him on his way into the murderous night.
9. When building a homemade security system, the most important thing that you can never forget is the industrial fan with a pile of feathers. Nothing will thwart possible murderers like the humiliation of being covered in feathers.
10. Don’t eat your macaroni and cheese with just a fork. Also include a knife so you can cut each noodle into tiny pieces. That’s not weird at all.
11. Even if an iron is unplugged, when it hits you directly in the face, it will leave a burn imprint of the bottom of an iron on you. It’s actually quite incredible how much heat it produces while completely unplugged.
12. If a criminal grabs your leg and is trying to kill you, don’t even consider using the loaded bb gun that’s strapped to your back. Instead, hope that he has a fear of spiders and pray that there’s one on the stairs that you can gently place on his face.
13. When going across a zipline, you may morph into an adult who is way more husky than you, but happens to be wearing the same clothes. It happens, just keep moving
14. When the police find two guys knocked unconscious inside a house that was reportedly broken into, they’ll know that it’s the real robbers and that an angel must have hit them with a blunt object to leave them out cold until authorities arrive.
15. Within ten minutes of your house looking like a bomb went off inside of it, you can have everything cleaned up and looking like a Norman Rockwell painting.