1. When my boss text me and said I did a great job on that project he put three exclamation points. I wonder if he actually didn’t like it and was being sarcastic. Two exclamation points seems like excitement but is three patronizing? Does he hate me?
2. Why can’t I sleep? Is it my pillow? How do they get all the feathers for pillows? Are they shaving ducks? Or is it a swan? I don’t think I’m ok with swans being shaved for my comfort. Maybe geese just shed their feathers. I should check and see if PETA supports the company that made this pillow.
3. I never told Jared Smith that it was me who spilled paint on his locker in 9th grade. Should I try to find him on Facebook and tell him about it? I bet he still blames Heather Simpson.
4. My neighbors have been fighting all night. I bet he cheated on her and she’s wanting to stay together but refusing to forgive him. She could definitely do better. He’s a jerk. I would have told him to leave. Or maybe she cheated on him? I think he could do better than her. Honestly they could both do better. I should weigh out the pros and cons of them remaining a couple.
5. What is that smell? It was probably just that truck that drove by, but it might be a gas leak. Wait, it’s gone now so it was definitely the truck. What’s that poisonous gas you can’t smell? Carbon monoxide! My house could be full of it. I know I have a detector, but what if it’s faulty? I should go check it and make sure it’s working.
6. Should I still be single? Maybe I should call that guy I went out with in May. He wasn’t that bad. Why didn’t we get along? It was that weird, extra tooth. I guess I could get past that. I’ll text extra tooth guy tomorrow. Wait, if I do that then what if my soulmate is there, but he ends up not being interested anymore because I’m with extra tooth guy?
7. OK but what if I lose my job and my rent goes up and everyone I know refuses to help me out? What am I going to do then?
8. What was the name of the mom on Meet the Parents? It wasn’t Diane Keaton but she kind of looked like Diane Keaton with curly hair. Was it Mia Farrow? No way that wasn’t it. I can’t even remember what he name was on the movie. Crap, it’s on the tip of my tongue. She was on a few episodes of Will & Grace too!
9. I sure have been coughing a lot lately. I should look up what might be causing that. I hope it’s not cancer. Oh god it’s probably cancer. Where’s my phone? I need to get on Web MD.
10. Did I lock the door? I know I always lock the door but what if I didn’t today? Remember the movie The Strangers? If I didn’t lock the door they could just walk in.
11. Am I sure I’m actually in love and not just infatuated with the idea of being in love? I mean I think I love him/her but what if I just love love?
12. This pearl of anxiety from Conor Tripler:
text ‘<3’ to pretty girl, she text back ‘<2’ • [Typo] or [Clever Way Of Saying ‘Friend-Zone’] ??? • ~better stay up all night freaking out~~
— Conor Tripler (@ConorTripler) October 23, 2011