12 Things No One Wants To Hear After A Breakup

(500) Days Of Summer
(500) Days Of Summer

Look, I know you’re just trying to be helpful, but spouting off a bunch of cliches after a horrible breakup is the last thing anyone needs. The best thing you can do is pull out $10 and let your friend forget about their misery with a no holds barred trip to the nearest frozen yogurt place. Actually that sounds magical even if you didn’t just go through a breakup. You may not think much about those awful sayings you’re throwing out, but here’s what we hear when you use one of those tired sayings:

1. “Just enjoy your freedom!”

And by freedom you mean wallowing in sorrow because I just spent a year with someone who I didn’t realize was also dating four other people? Thanks so much! This freedom is glorious! Well, gotta go curl up in my bed for 13 hours and enjoy all of this freedom. Bye!

2. “Nobody will love you until you love yourself.”

So what you’re basically saying is that literally no one loves me right now? Is this a pep talk? You should never be a hostage negotiator.

3. “You don’t need to try so hard. When it’s supposed to happen, it’ll just happen.”

Oh just like a job search. I don’t need to send out resumes, when the right job is supposed to happen I’m sure they’ll just come knock on my door and pay me to watch videos of animals dressed as people all day on YouTube.

4. “There are plenty of fish in the sea.”

Please don’t equate my love life to an episode of Whale Wars. Thanks.

5. “You’re just too picky.”

That’s true. I guess when I’m considering a potential partner for the entirety of my life I do tend to be a little picky. Maybe I should give that guy who kept yelling random racial slurs at a koi pond a dozen more dates just to be safe.

6. “You need to be more open.”

I’m not going to go on a date with your weird cousin so just stop asking. I know it was you who poked her from my Facebook account while I was in the shower and I’ll never forgive you for that.

7. “You just need to get out there!”

I don’t want to go to a stupid club and pay $37 per drink to scream “SO WHAT’S YOUR NAME?” over an endless dubstep mix to girls that lost interest in me as soon as they saw my Honda Accord.

8. “Don’t be too available.”

I hate this one so much. If you like someone, why should you have to wait a month before returning a text? Obviously don’t start posting photoshopped pictures of what your children would look like after the second date, but why should I pretend that I’m busy and not actually lying on the couch watching Love It or List It for the 8,000th time?

9. “Follow your heart.”

Hmm, well I would love to hear what he has to say, but he’s being drowned out by my brain, hormones, text message notifications, a ticking biological clock, libido, alarm clocks, email alerts, and the ice cream truck.

10. “Everything happens for a reason.”

I’m going to hit you in the face with a shoe and then have you explain to me why that happened.

11. “You can’t judge a book by its cover.”

No, but when that book shows up for a date in sweatpants and keeps calling the waiter “brah” I can make a pretty fair assessment.

12. “Be yourself.”

So I should stop dressing as a different character from Clue every time I go on a date? Are you sure because Col. Mustard seemed like a definite win? I’m going to keep the monocle just to be safe.Β TC Mark

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