I absolutely love my parents. They’ve always been wonderful to me and we get along really well. With that being said, there is absolutely no doubt that at some point I will curse under my breath and seriously wonder if I was adopted or at least switched at the hospital when I was born. If you’re planning on spending some quality time with the family this holiday season, here is a conversation I will guarantee you will have with your mother at some point.
Mom: You remember Betsy Harrelson?
You: Hmm, I don’t think so. Nope.
Mom: Yes you do!
You: No, I really don’t.
Mom: She was the assistant in your after school reading program when you were in the 3rd grade.
You: Mom how would I possibly remember that?
Mom: She gave you a gold star once!
You: OK fine! What about her?
Mom: Her daughter got a divorce.
You: Oh, ok.
Mom: You don’t care?!
You: Mom, I don’t even know who Betsy Harrelson is, why would I care about her daughter getting a divorce?
Mom: Well I can’t believe you don’t care about someone going through misery around the holidays. What about her kids?
You: Whose kids?
Mom: Shannon’s kids!
You: WHO IS SHANNON?
Mom: Betsy’s daughter!
You: Mother, I have no idea who Betsy is, I have no idea who Shannon is, and I have no idea who Shannon’s children are, so why would I possibly care about this?
Mom: I miss when you were younger and compassionate. When you were 9 you saw a dead cat on the side of the road and cried so much we had to go get it and have a little funeral for it. Do you remember that?
You: Yes, you tell me that story all the time.
Mom: I just assumed that if you cared that much for a feral cat, you’d care even more for Dillon and Hayden.
You: WHO IS DILLON AND HAYDEN!
Mom: That’s Shannon’s kids!
You: Oh my god. I’m really sorry her two sons are having a bad Christmas. Are you happy?
Mom: That’s her son and daughter!
You: Hayden is a very unisex name, sorry!
Mom: Hayden is the boy. Dillon is the girl!
You: Are we seriously fighting over this? I don’t even know what we’re arguing about anymore.
Mom: This happens every time. I wish we could just have one meal in peace without arguing.
You: You’re the one arguing!
Mom: Does that sound like something someone not arguing would say?
You: I’m going to lose my mind.
Mom: Just forget about it.
You: Fine, can we just eat?
Mom: Did you know Doris Smith has diabetes now?
You: I’m going to eat in the bathroom.