1. If you’re going to play football, don’t worry about bringing a lunchbox. Your helmet makes a great place to store sandwiches.
2. If a football player wins 3 high school championships, an NCAA championship, becomes an All-American, and wins the Heisman trophy, maybe one day he can coach a Pee Wee football team in his small hometown.
3. Believe it or not, it’s usually not a great idea to start eating an entire bag of Reese’s Pieces during football tryouts.
4. Walter White’s mobile meth lab on Breaking Bad was nothing compared to the lab that preteens can build in a clubhouse.
5. If you grow up to be in Final Destination, grocery stores will let you throw rolls of toilet paper all over the store and never ask you to stop.
6. Also, some grocery stores have an aisle that just individual rolls of toilet paper piled together next to cake ingredients and toppings.
7. The best way to teach youngsters proper tackling techniques is by having your wife hold a couch cushion and running at her so hard you would drive both of you through the window and fall to your deaths.
8. If an opponent is spying on you and trying to learn your plays, pretend to be an old woman and call the police claiming that men are in their underwear, watching children from the bushes….
9. That way they’ll be arrested as sexual predators and it’ll remain on their records for the rest of their lives.
10. If you run out of football helmets, a cowboy hat will probably work just as well.
11. If you’re a lifelong fan of a player and can name every statistic from his career, you probably have no idea what he looks like and would mistake Rick Moranis for him.
12. NFL players will wander into a clubhouse with a random child if they’ve been told they’re going to help train a Pee Wee football team.
13. Also, the most popular bottoms for football players in the ‘90s were shorts or pants that looked like they were on backwards to give you the most bizarre bulge possible.
14. In small towns, a fun recreational activity is to go down by the river and stare at teens making out in boats that are 12 feet away from you for hours at a time.
15. Be VERY careful with the stuff football players put below their eyes, because you could inadvertently find yourself in black face and that’s just horribly wrong.
16. If you never come to a single practice or show up at any point in the movie, you can wander in on game day and be a part of the team. (Seriously, who is that kid?)
17. Firm Grip is the strongest adhesive ever created and will instantly cause two objects to be bound together like Kim and Kanye in his new, awful video.
18. If you have IBS, it can translate into a very successful football career.
19. Let the officials know if your dad travels out of town a lot, because they’ll let him run onto the field during the game. Rules don’t apply to traveling businessmen.
20. If you have a crush on a boy, the best thing that could happen is if your dad starts dating his mom. That way they’ll get married and you can be together all the time. Wait a minute…