While no movie is perfect, the first two (and only two, in my world) Home Alone movies are as close as they come. Yes, my love is strong, but that doesn’t blind me to some of the weird and bizarre things that happened during the movie. Here are 15 things that always bothered me in Home Alone 2.
1. Uncle Frank Suggests That His Penis is Huge to Kevin.
I understand why I didn’t get this joke as a kid, but this was just weird. Kevin is told by his parents to go get his tie out of the bathroom. He explains to them that he can’t because Uncle Frank said if he sees him naked, he’ll grow up never feeling like a real man. I know Uncle Frank is a creepy guy, but bragging about your penis size to a child is over the line.
2. Buzz Deserved to be Severely Punished.
How on earth did Buzz not get grounded for months for this? First of all, did the crowd really erupt with laughter as Buzz pretended to play the drums on Kevin’s head with fake candles? Buzz not only ruined the entire production, but he humiliated his brother during his solo. He gets to say “I’m sorry, Kevin.” and all is forgiven? No Buzz, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that your parents allow you to behave like an animal.
3. Marv and Harry’s Plan Is Beyond Insane.
So Marv and Harry have broken out of prison and they’re looking for a big score. That makes sense, right? It does, until you really think about how ludicrous it really is. They were in prison in Chicago for nine months, broke out of jail, hid in the back of a fish truck all the way to New York in order to rob a toy store and then fly off to an island where no one would ever find them. I’m sorry, what?
4. Marv is a Pervert.
On the first Home Alone he insists that they be called The Wet Bandits. This time around, he wants to be known as The Sticky Bandits. That sounds like the backup singers at a D’Angelo concert. I’m assuming his next run would be with The Moist Bandits or maybe The Fingering Boys.
5. What Was Tim Curry’s Plan When Sneaking Into Kevin’s Suite?
For some reason Curry’s character has a huge vendetta against Kevin, which cumulates to this moment where he sneaks into Kevin’s suite in the middle of the night. What exactly was he going to do if Kevin was in there alone? Kevin’s dad could still be at work, but there’s no excuse you can give for being a grown man who just creeped into a child’s room at night. I would have sued the Plaza Hotel so hard.
6. Kevin Isn’t THAT Good.
I know Kevin impressed us all when he simulated a house party in Home Alone using a train set and a Michael Jordan cardboard cutout, but was just ridiculous. As Tim Curry opens the door, Kevin has maybe 90 seconds before Curry enters the bathroom. During that time he took that clown out of the packaging, inflated it, rigged it up with strings, and basically became a very impressive puppeteer. I can get behind most of Kevin’s feats, but this one is absurd.
7. No Way Peter McCallister Stays in That Kind of Hotel
Kevin is in New York with his dad’s credit cards and cash staying in a stunning hotel, but the McCallisters stay at this dump? I’m sure Kate McCallister has a card in her name you guys could use, but there is no way the high rolling Peter McCallister stays at a hotel that rents out rooms by the hour. This is a guy who, a few days later, flies the ENTIRE family to New York to find Kevin. Maybe take some of that first class money and use it to upgrade your hotel. Have you never heard of bed bugs?
8. Fruit Stripe Gum Lasts About 14 Seconds
The first time Rob Schneider helps Kevin with his bags, Kevin tips him with Fruit Stripe gum. The second time Schneider assists him, he tells Kevin that he doesn’t need another tip, as he still has some left over. I don’t know how familiar you are with Fruit Stripe gum, but if you’ve ever had a piece you know that stuff crumbles into pieces the minute you put it into your mouth. You have to chew the entire pack at once to get any sort of longevity out of it. There’s no way he had been chewing on that piece of gum for that long.
9. I’m Sorry, But Duncan’s Toy Chest Sucked
As a kid, I thought it was the coolest place ever. There are lights everywhere and things are flying through the air! However, upon a closer inspection, this place is a glorified Cracker Barrel gift shop. There aren’t any actual toys, just a bunch of junk your grandma would put on her fireplace for the holidays. What kid wants an oversized nutcracker for Christmas?
10. The Plaza Hotel is Way Too Casual With Terrorism.
Once Kevin’s card has been discovered as stolen, the entire staff decides to confront him. He plays a clip from a gangster movie to make them think they’re about to be shot by a psychopath. After yelling to hotel guests to stay in their rooms because there’s a mad man with a gun, it’s never mentioned again. No one reports that to the police? I know this is a pre 9/11 world you’re in, but seriously, as far as you know, a murderer is on the loose in your building and it’s never reported or investigated.
11. Did Those Prostitutes Really Solicit a Child?
Maybe I’m assuming incorrectly about the moral lines of prostitutes, but when that smoky voice asks, “Do you need someone to read you a bedtime story?” I get grossed out. What if Kevin said yes? This movie would have taken a horrible, new direction.
12. The Pigeon Lady Was Insanely Creepy.
Just like Old Man Marley in Home Alone, this movie’s lovable cretin did nothing to shed the image of being terrifying. When she comes upon Kevin with his foot stuck between two rocks, she doesn’t say “Oh let me help you with this.” or “Hey I’m not a murderer, just assisting you with removing your foot from this snare.” Instead, she silently, and without expression, reaches down and takes his foot out. Just say something, Pigeon Lady!
13. How Did The Pigeon Lady Know Marv & Harry Were Covered in Tar?
After Kevin had hit Marv and Harry with all of his traps, they chased him into the park. There, he’s saved by the Pigeon Lady who throws bird seed on them, which causes them to be swarmed by pigeons. Here’s the thing though; there’s no way she would have know that they were covered in tar and, as a result, their gun wouldn’t work. Harry does everything he can to try and shoot her, which would have been another horribly unsettling twist, but he fails. Why did she assume her bucket of bird seed would win against their guns? Quite a big gamble, isn’t it?
14. Kevin Gave The Pigeon Lady What??
She just saved his life and his ridiculously rich family just showed up in New York to spend Christmas in an incredible suite. On top of that, Mr. Duncan has just delivered a ridiculous amount of presents for Kevin’s family. Obviously, he introduces the Pigeon Lady to his family and they give her a place to stay, right? Oh, so he takes her some cash to buy clothes and get a room? Did he take her some food? No, he took her a cheap Christmas ornament to represent their friendship! Are you kidding me? What is she supposed to hang it on, her sadness?
15. Kevin’s Dad Really Freaks Out That Much Over a Room Service Bill?
The movie ends with Kevin’s dad freaking out so loudly over a room service bill that he’s audible down the street from the hotel. Kevin spent less than a thousand dollars while he was abandoned in a giant, strange city and you’re going to have a meltdown about it? How about you just be appreciative he’s alive and stop freaking out over a room service bill. Didn’t you just fly 14 people across the country TWICE? You need to rethink a lot of things in your life, Peter.