A popular topic on the internet is to discuss things you should know in your twenties. There’s a wealth of knowledge being shared every day for those leaving their teenage years and entering a new chapter. Doing a little more digging, you’ll find numerous articles on how to spend your thirties, and that’s great, but there’s a glaring omission; people in their 10s. Why are there no articles warning them of the snares or adventures that await them during the next decade? Let’s resolve that right now. Gather all the nine year olds you know, or forward this along to them and let’s inform them of how to handle themselves during this highly influential time.
1. Do you feel that urge deep inside of you? That’s perfectly normal, but don’t act on it. I know you want to cut your hair and you think you know how to do it, but trust me, you don’t.
2. A dog sounds like a great birthday gift, right? Wrong! You’re going to have to walk it, bathe it, take outside every time it goes to the bathroom, and feed it or your dad is going to keep saying, “I told you this would happen, Karen. This is why I didn’t want to get a dog in the first place.”
3. There’s going to be times that you don’t get your way. I know that a few years ago you could cry and people would feel sorry for you or you may even get your way. Now you’re just going to look like a terrible brat and all the shoppers in the store are going to judge you and your parents harshly. Try to avoid this at all costs.
4. I know you think your boyfriend is the coolest ever because he has armpit hair, or you’re in love with your girlfriend because she’s one of four girls in your class that wears a bra, but don’t cut off your friends for the relationship. They’ll be plenty more in your life with even more armpit hair and even better bras!
5. You’re going to want to pick your nose pretty much all the time. Don’t do this. If you’re at school definitely don’t do this because someone is going to see you and you’ll never hear the end of it.
6. Guys, professional wrestling isn’t real. Girls, One Direction is not going to stay together forever. Just prepare yourselves to deal with these realizations. I know it’s hard, but you’ll get through this.
7. Don’t eat glue.
8. You’re going to start taking long showers. REALLY long showers. I know you think your parents have no idea what’s going on in there, but they do. Check things out if you must, but try not to use all of the hot water in the process.
9. Everyone is going to start asking you what you want to be when you grow up. Obviously you have no idea and you probably won’t in another decade as well. Just make something up. Be as creative as you want and adults will eat that up.
10. Your mom will now allow you to choose what you’d like for breakfast. This is very important. If you want Pop Tarts make sure you say CHOCOLATE Pop Tarts. You don’t want to face a morning after eating one of those awful Unfrosted Pop Tarts.
11. If your uncle tells a joke, do not repeat it under any circumstance.
12. This one is for the fellas. Guys, I know when you go to the restroom you like you take off your pants completely while standing at a urinal. You can’t do this anymore. I wish I could still do this too, but society frowns upon it. I’m sorry.