1. One scoop of vanilla, please.
Christopher Hudspeth: Over to you, Rob, I’ll be right back after these messages.
Rob Fee: I would say the best thing to do is talk about how great The Wire is all the time and only ask him to brunch. Also, celebrate Kurt Cobain’s birthday each year and discuss the social impact of Radiohead letting fans name their own price when purchasing their album. I can’t think of any more stereotypes off the top of my head, but if you think of more, do those.
2. Girls only please…if your boyfriend/husband made a comment about either an actress or another girl how would that make you feel?
Hudspeth: I see the ‘girls only’ headline but much like throughout my childhood when I’d crash private sandbox and treehouse meetings that excluded boys, I’m going to barge in and have at the festivities here. I’ve come to find that I personally don’t even flinch unless we’re together and you’re mentioning a person that’s feasibly attainable. Girlfriend makes comments about The Rock? Meh, don’t care. Idris Elba? Good luck with that. Some guy who was a runner up on a low-rated reality TV show? Hold on now, take it easy — that’s not farfetched enough. Like, if I say how gorgeous Jessica Alba is that gets brushed off. But Instagram-famous model with 9,000 followers? Not cool.
Fee: It really depends on the circumstance. If your boyfriend says, “Hey your cousin Heather is hot. I’d love to impregnate her.” That is a red flag. However, it’s not all that insidious and malicious. One time I was watching a movie with a girl I was seeing and Kristy Swanson made an appearance. You don’t really see Kristy Swanson on that many movies anymore, so I was surprised and said, “Oh Kristy Swanson. I used to have the biggest crush on her when I was 12.” The girl I was with flipped out and said, “Why don’t you just start jerking off right now to her since it’s obvious you’d rather be with her! It’s like you don’t even care that I’m sitting next to you!” OK first of all, take a step back for a moment and access your life. You just told me I should start masturbating because I said I had a crush on someone when I was a preteen. I also cut worms in half when I was 12. It’s safe to say I’ve changed a little since then. It’s crazy to assume your partner finds everyone else in the world to be a hideous troll, but if it makes you feel uncomfortable, let him know in a way that doesn’t involve you accusing him verbally jerking off.
Hudspeth: This depends so heavily on the particular guy, so it’s always helpful to communicate or observe to find out what he’s self-conscious about. It’s important to be careful because if it’s an independent, self-sufficient partner that makes him insecure, you probably shouldn’t change yourself to a co-dependent, needy type so that he feels necessary. The trouble with insecurities are that they’re personal things we often have to fix within ourselves to be involved with another person. Okay, this is getting deep and sentimental and I’m like 84% sure you’re actually just talking about penis size and things of that nature, which modern medicine can assist with. Just turn on ESPN and you’ll be greeted by different erectile dysfunction commercials at every break. #Options.
Fee: I’m going to assume you mean sexually, so here’s a couple of things that that are worse than making me call you by my mom’s name during sex. First of all, don’t fake it. If something isn’t working for you, let’s transition to something else. If you’ve already finished and you’re trying to help me move things along, please don’t start making sounds like Eddie Vedder during a guitar solo. On the other side, there are girls who treat sex like a combination lock. “OK, 14 click to the right, now 7 to the left. That was too far, start over. I said FOURTEEN clicks, not 15. You know what, I’ll just do it myself.” I know it needs to be an enjoyable experience for both, but please don’t yell at me. Of course if your guy finishes in less than a minute this doesn’t apply to you and I’m going to keep you in my prayers because that seems miserable.
4. Stupid fat girl trying to impress me? What do I do??
Hudspeth: Yeah, this person can’t be real because nobody is this blatantly horrible of a human being, right? I’m sure this is just a troll looking to be fed, but whoever the living individual that typed this combination of words in that order to form these ridiculous sentences is, really, really sucks. How you escaped the dark abyss of evil you came from and got past earth’s bouncers to find your way in here with the general public is a mystery to me, but you must be all types of miserable inside in real life.
Fee: Great question, Chad! I’m assuming your name is Chad for obvious reasons. The first thing I would do is go home and lock yourself in your bathroom. Now, lower your pants to where they’re right around your thighs. Next, make a fist like you’re getting ready to punch a bro who disrespected one of your bros. Got it? OK perfect. Now take that fist and shove it up your butthole as far as you can. You’re a garbage person and no one likes you.
5. What feelings did you have when you first saw your soulmate?
Hudspeth: I believe I was four when I first saw pizza. I felt hunger — mouth watering, stomach growling. I just remember thinking, you’re going to be a very important personal pan part of my life for years to come. Seriously though, I don’t know that soulmates exist in a Nicholas Spark novel type of way, but more of a whatever let’s just be miserable with each other instead of alone form.
Fee: I don’t know if there’s such thing as a soulmate. I just can’t imagine there only being one person in the world that will make you happy and you will be miserable until you find them. What if they died in a car accident? Are you just out of luck?
6. Why are guys so obsessed with girl’s behinds?
Hudspeth: Scientifically I don’t have the answer, but I have a theory that butts are so much easier to look at without getting caught that they’ve surpassed boobs in popularity. They’re just flesh really, but wouldn’t it be weirder if eyelids or palms or kneecaps were the new craze? Or personalities?! Okay, that one is a little too bizarre, I wouldn’t want to joke about being attracted to something that isn’t even capable of aesthetic satisfaction.
Fee: A long time ago a prophet by the name of Sir Mix-a-Lot foretold of these events. He spoke of a day when everyone could love a large behind without fear of judgment or criticism. However, there were others who warned us of a different set of consequences. The prophets Bel Biv Devoe pleaded us to heed their warning; never trust a big butt and a smile. Countries have fought over this for centuries and many have lost their lives. Will it all end one day? We don’t know. What we do know is that there is now booty, booty, booty, booty rockin’ everywhere. God help us.
7. How can I get my boyfriend over size doubts?
Hudspeth: Ah, so this is kind of like the blunt version of question #3. Okay, well let’s see… Now, I don’t know for certain but perhaps it would help if y’all STOP TALKING ABOUT PENISES THAT YOU DEALT WITH PRIOR TO THIS RELATIONSHIP. QUIT LIVING IN THE PAST OR SHOULD I SAY REFLECTING UPON TIMES WHEN THE PAST LIVED IN YOU. Sorry to go all ‘Ask Ashley’ on you but how could that possibly end well? You wouldn’t tell Papa John about the amazing non-delivery DiGiorno you had a few weeks back, would you?(I promise that’s the last time I try to make pizza & dating interchangeable.)
Fee: No guy wants to hear about the size of your past sexual partner’s penis sizes, just like you wouldn’t want to hear the details of his ex-girlfriend’s vagina. If you want to discuss numbers of partners you can, but anything that happened before you two were together shouldn’t matter, as you didn’t know each other. This probably has nothing to do with you, but rather hurt from past relationship. On the other hand, you could constantly be talking about the centaur-like partners you’ve had in the past so much that he feels inadequate. I can send you a picture of mine if that would help?
8. Is this signs she likes me?
Hudspeth: Sir, what shade of green do you need to see before you’ll go? Take a chance! Be BOLD! Be Italic! Be as swift as a coursing river with all the force of a great typhoon and the worst that could happen is she’s just a really friendly lady who had zero romantic interest at all and will laugh at you to all of her friends & your co-workers for even thinking you had a shot — but that’s the worst.
Fee: This is sweet and nice and makes me feel like Christmas morning. I say ask her to dinner sometime and keep it light. She’s more mature so she’s probably not just playing games. I hope you two get married. Can I please come to the wedding? I’ll buy you guys a Foreman Grill!
9. What is the difference between a relationship, fling, crush, friends with benefits, and flirtationship?
Relationship: You share stuff and things and don’t look at other people’s butts because that’s not cool. You have a butt to look at and that’s the only caboose you should be eyeballing.
Fling: The stuff you do with your special friend from Craigslist.
Crush: You’re in a vat of delicious orange soda?
Friends with benefits: While trying to avoid the clichés of Hollywood romantic comedies, Dylan (Timberlake) and Jamie (Kunis) soon discover however that adding the act of sex to their friendship does lead to complications.
Flirtationship: Your text conversations have hella emoticons.
Relationship: You’re dating, probably exclusively.
Fling: A relationship with a set expiration date.
Crush: They don’t know it, but you’ve gone through every picture in their Instagram and every obscure photo album on their Facebook.
Friends with benefits: You’re hooking up, but no dates or commitments.
Flirtationship: You send suggestive texts and pictures of cleavage.
10. I’m falling for this guy…but he’s married. Help!?
Hudspeth: This makes zero dollars and no cents. Scroll up a bit to where Rob described a relationship a few seconds ago. See it? K, read it. Sound out those words, you got this. You finished? Good, try to stay with me here. So, a marriage would be exclusive — as in, you shouldn’t kiss and do stuff with this married guy. You shouldn’t have a fling or be friends with benefits with him because it’s wrong on several levels. I’m sure he’s in the process of being separated and then divorced just like I’m in the process of writing a book and being successful. Look, I don’t want you to get hurt either, pumpkin, so your best course of action would probably be to find someone who has, at the very least announced to his wife that he no longer wants to be with her.
Fee: How is he in the process of separating? Is he using a moving service that only moves one item per day? Being in the process of a divorce is one thing, but that’s silly. If you’re even asking this question, then you already know the answer and it’s not good.