First of all, I can honestly say that I’ve never watched a single Real Housewives show or anything involving a child pageant. With that being said, there are some absolutely mind-numbingly bad reality shows that I can not and will not stop watching. I know they’re bad, you know they’re bad, so let’s just accept it and enjoy this garbage together!
Have you ever gone to a thrift store and thought, “I wonder where they got all this merchandise?” Well now you can find out! Watch as grown men and women fight and argue over the abandoned belongings of strangers, then assume the maximum retail price is what they’ll get when selling it at a flea market. Sure Dave, I’m positive the market for a samurai sword that doubles as a fish tank is huge right now! Why can’t I quit you?
Every episode of this show is exactly the same and yet I will watch it each and every time I see it on. I love the dramatic music that’s plays as the cashier attempts to scan in every coupon so Deborah from Little Rock can get 200 rolls of Bounty for a nickel each. Why is this drama? If they don’t work, put back 198 rolls and buy the amount every other sensible person would purchase. Also, who needs 400 bags of tortilla chips? Settle down, Deborah.
Hey Netflix, thanks for only giving me six episodes of my beloved Gator Boys. How am I supposed to know what happens next with the gang down in Florida? I mean, I assume those episodes are exactly like the ones I’ve seen; the guys get a call, they go get the alligator, and everyone leaves happy. My favorite part is when the show makes it look like one of the guys might not make it out of a capture alive. They show him go underwater and then dramatically cut to a commercial when the tension builds. I just saw the preview for the next episode, pal. I know Mike doesn’t drown because he’s on the cover of the next season and all of his limbs are intact. Nice try. I still love you.
You have one of two reactions after watching an episode of Hoarders; you either feel like your house isn’t so dirty after all, or you want to spend the next month doing nothing but scrubbing your house until it sparkles like Scrooge McDuck’s vault of gold coins. By the way, how did he dive into that and swim around? Physics just do not support that at all. Sorry, back to Hoarders. I know it’s going to be disgusting and repulsive every time the cleanup crew peels back a rug or floorboard, but you’ve won me over. Also, thanks for the episodes that end with nothing being resolved and a statement like, “Marie refused to get help and her home will be destroyed later this month. She will be living on the streets now. God help her.” Thanks for the cheerful ending!
My Strange Addiction
How many times am I going to find myself sitting at home watching a girl eat the stuffing out of a couch while a guy makes out with his Honda Accord? I know it’s going to be something ridiculous before I even turn it on, but I am 100% guilty of setting my DVR to record My Strange Addiction because I wanted to know why a lady wouldn’t stop eating dryer sheets. I may need to examine some life choices I’ve made here shortly, but for now I’ll keep my DVR set.
Remember back when winning a singing competition meant you were going to be a star? Now if you win a singing show, you may get a chance to appear on that same show during the next season. That’s about it. The Voice is insanely popular so at least I’m not the only one watching an ocean of the same five singers croon through yet another rendition of “I Have Nothing.” Let me help you out for just a moment, potential contestants; sing a song by a singer who isn’t known for their incredible vocals. If you turn a My Chemical Romance song into a ballad, you’ll stand out much more than the girl who tried to pull of a Mariah song. You’re never going to beat Whitney or Mariah, so just stop.
Call of the Wildman
Many of you may not have seen this one, but it’s basically this crazy mountain man that does pest control calls around town. The only difference is that he’s shirtless, insane, and does everything with his bare hands. Why do I need to see this? I can’t explain why I just watched an aging man cover himself in raccoon urine in order to safely capture an intruding raccoon. I also can’t explain why he did all of this for $28 and a homemade apple pie, but I can guarantee that I’ll be watching every single episode until I have an idea. I love you, Turtle Man.
If I’m being honest, I hate this show so much. Every character on it reminds me of someone different who tried to punch me in high school and their line delivery is as believable and realistic as the laugh track on According to Jim. The problem is, every time I visit my dad he’s watching it on some sort of endless playlist and I get roped in for the next 7 hours. I can’t believe how many people sell items that have been in their family for generations so they can get $200 to buy Swedish House Mafia tickets. Good to know!
There has never been a reality show in the history of the world that’s more depressing than Gold Rush. These rugged miners spend tens of thousands of dollars and work grueling hours in order to uncover gold from every corner of the globe. The problem is that most episodes end with the guys spending $80,000 to mine an area and leaving with $400 worth of gold. The show will then cut to their family’s homes being repossessed by the bank as the theme song plays. As awful as that is, I can’t look away. What’s your secret, Gold Rush? How do you keep me coming back? You’re like the worst girlfriend that I just can’t break up with no matter what you do.
It’s a show about special effects make-up artists, which isn’t bad at all, until you hear how ridiculous the judges talk and critique during every episode. Glenn Hetrick is the bad boy judge who plays by his own rules. You can tell he is a rebel from his edgy style and how he says exactly what he thinks. It’s so original. No matter how upset I get with the silliness of a show about designing giant lizard costumes, I can’t even think about changing the channel on a commercial. What if I miss the guest host who I’ve never heard of in my life? WHAT IF??