This Is Me Giving Up On You

Ben White
Ben White

One of the major misconceptions I had about loving someone, is having to always be fighting to keep them. And fighting, sometimes, comes in the form of multiple chances you give someone just because you want them to stay in your life no matter how much they mess up.
So you find yourself always justifying their mistakes.

Always putting excuses for them.

Always forgiving.

Always fighting.

And that’s what I’ve been guilty of for so long.

I held on longer than I should have and I don’t know why. Maybe because I saw something in you and genuinely believed in it. Something so good. Good enough to make me never want to leave you. And maybe because for once, things were so magical that the idea of letting go of all our beautiful memories was a tough pill to swallow. Or maybe because I just wanted things to work this time, I wanted it to work so bad that even after all the damage you caused I still chose to give you a chance when you came crawling back. I couldn’t bring myself to hate you or hear that you’re hurting and not ask about you. I was there, at your worst and best times. I trusted you and watched you break that trust time and time again and still gave you the benefit of the doubt.

And when things finally started to get better, you left. No warnings. No explanations. We were doing just fine until you woke up one day and decided that your life shall no longer include me, that maybe I was too much for you.

Months passed and it’s nothing but radio silence. And then it hit me. Like the coldest ice. That you are gone now and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. You just left and I cannot fathom how you made it look so simple. You not only broke your promises, but also forced me to break the ones I was looking forward to keep. You promised to always be there but all you did was flake out the times I needed you the most. Nights when I actually needed to pour my heart out to someone and have them listening, I looked for you but you were nowhere beside me.

I waited for you to come back but your consistent silence spoke volumes about what you wanted us to be.

Then and only then did I realize how unworthy you are. After days and days of perplexity and remorsefulness; analyzing of how things might have taken place if I acted differently and wondering where did things go so wrong, I came to ask myself why? Why am I holding on so tight to someone who no longer gives a fuck? Why am I trying to hold on to a relationship full of exploiting and pretending?
And here I am, finally, choosing myself over you. Here I am realizing how vibrant my life can possibly be without you. Falling in love with a life free of you lies and manipulation. Ready to end something that wasn’t meant to start. To cut off ties with someone who wasn’t supposed to enter my life in the first place.

And this is me letting you go.

Letting go of all the good memories along with the bad ones.

Letting go of all the times you made me cry along with the times you made me laugh so hard I teared up.

This is me acknowledging that you no longer serve a purpose in my life.

This is me forgiving myself for giving you countless chances I knew deep down you never deserved.

This is me forgiving myself for raising my hopes and expectations of you so high only to have them come crashing down.
This time, I’m setting you and myself free.

This time I admit how deep I let myself fall for you but also this time, I promise myself to stand up again and forget it all.
Forget all about someone who didn’t appreciate what he had or realize what he had lost until it was too late. Someone who I gave my heart to only to have it getting stabbed in return. And someone who didn’t deserve even half of what I gave him. Just so you know, I’m leaving you in 2016; in the past where you belong. I’m leaving you along with all the pain you caused and the unanswered questions. And just so you know, I’m not giving it a second thought afterwards. I won’t be so cliché and thank you for ‘teaching me a lesson’ but I want to thank you so much for leaving. For letting me go and making me realize how capable I am to let go. You made me realize how wrong one can be about a person at first. You can look up to someone and think the world of them just to realize after some time, how trashy they really are. I think this is it. I’m done bending over backwards to make you happy. I’m done going round in circles searching for answers to your obscure behaviors. I’m done giving my friends headaches and endless speeches about you. I’m done playing your stupid mind games. And I’m done fighting to keep you.

I choose to start a year new and fresh. A year with less of you, and more of me. TC mark

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Image Credit: Ben White

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