Growing up, I felt I was dropped on this planet, and I always felt I didn’t belong. That feeling has followed me till this day. I see things differently. I feel too much, more than I want to feel. And I function on a whole different level, from a whole different world you can say.
Feeling different has forced me to isolate myself. Has made me feel misunderstood. Has made me feel judged and criticized. And most of all, it’s made me unconsciously angry. I’ve held resentments towards people for living in their worlds and never understanding mine. And recently I’ve experienced this anger on a whole other level that I honestly wish to never experience again.
The truth is, I will always live in my world, with my own set of visions and beliefs, with my own sensors, and with my own reactions, which is often to speak up for what doesn’t feel right for me, and to stand up for anything that causes me emotional or physical harm.
I’m realizing that no matter how harmful certain people’s worlds are for me, I can’t get mad at them for living in it. And I can’t get mad at them for getting mad about my world, because I’ve done the same thing.
But when two different worlds come in close contact, they often clash.
I’ve been trying to find ways to deal with this clash of realities. It’s been painful, most probably on both ends. I know it’s been painful and challenging on my end. I’ve wanted to be heard and to be seen and to have the kind of support that I need from this other world. But that world can’t give me what my soul needs. And it’s not because that world doesn’t want to provide me with what I need, it does, it really tries, but it can’t. And I’ve been fighting to get what I want from places in my life that can’t give me what I need.
I need to give to me, from my own world. Doesn’t mean good things can’t be shown or given to me outside of it. Instead, it just means what I need is to stop looking outside of myself to be heard, seen or understood. People will NEVER understand me fully, and the rare ones that do, well, they will stay in my life forever.
I’m tired of fighting a useless battle, because this journey is for ME to understand it and not for others to understand it.
The same applies about other people’s journeys. I DON’T understand them fully. And I don’t think it’s my job to understand. It’s my job to accept. But also respecting my boundaries in the process when my world collides with another.
I won’t change for others. So it makes no sense to want others to change for me. That’s called me being unreasonable. Doesn’t mean I have to like the things people do or say, but wanting them to change their ways is as disrespectful as them wanting to change mine.
So I’m done fighting this fight.
I will always be a woman who will speak up, sometimes yell, if my boundaries are pushed, and speak the truth, MY truth, even if no one hears it.
I will always respect my limits.
I will express how things make me feel.
I will not stay silent if something feels wrong.
I will not be fake or dishonest for the sake of peace.
I will stir sh*t up when I feel is necessary.
I will speak up, over and over again.
The difference now, is that I will speak up not to be heard or understood, but instead, I will speak up to stay true to myself and to honor my world in the process, and maybe also learn things by observing other people’s worlds.
I don’t have to like people’s ways and they don’t have to like mine.
I’m slowly letting go of resentment now, because I’m just going to let people be. I’m also learning that if I don’t belong in other people’s worlds it’s because I’m not meant to be.
I belong in my own world. Even if it’s lonely at times, I choose freedom over bending my true self backwards to fit a mold I was never meant to fit in in the first place.
I’m done with explaining myself.
I’m done justifying my feelings or my ways.
If you don’t like it, cool. If you do, awesome (we’ll probably be best-friends)!
But I’m fed up of always being seen as the outcast, the black sheep, the bad one, or getting mad at people for it. I’m done with not feeling good enough. Because I know I’m more than good enough to myself and to all those people who truly see me.
But people need to know that when I stand up for myself it’s not to sh*t on your world or your ways, but it’s to shed light on mine and to honor it, because it’s the only thing I have. I will protect it with my life just the same way others protect theirs. If I lose my world, I lose me.
I’m not willing to lose myself again for anyone.
From now on, I will respect all of your worlds even if I don’t agree, because the reality is we never will, at least not fully. And in return I won’t need respect for my own world, because I’ve got that covered for me if others don’t.
I’ve got my own back.
I just want freedom to be myself like anyone else in this world. And today, I’m giving that to myself after twenty-eight years of being on this earth.
Man, do some lessons take time to learn!
I’m not going to master this from one day to the next and maybe not even fully in this lifetime, but today is the day I will at least try, and finally stop feeling all this anger and resent towards people.
All I know is that there are some of you rare gems out there who do see me and I’ve always said thank you, but I say it again: thank you deeply.
And if you don’t see me, I thank you too, because you help me discover myself in the process and help me empower myself to stay true to who I am. For that I am also grateful.
I’m now off to wonder in my world and to mind my own business and to give myself peace and freedom by not letting other people’s opinions of me hurt me any longer. And if you want to join me to hold hands and skip along a yellow brick road, my doors are wide open and so is my heart.