Never trust a successful rich man who has an ugly ex. It’s science. When a man compliments my petite figure, I smile. When he compliments my tiny hands, I run. Always a dead giveaway he has a tiny dick. Trust me ladies.
I hate dating as much as I hate Facebook, job interviews, a man who orders a cocktail garnished with a flower, those who talk about themselves the whole night, laugh at their own jokes, are rude to others, desperate for attention, negative, or people who ask if I’ve had any work done — just to name a select few.
Alright, so there are all types in this world, and I happen to date the crème de la crème when it comes to (insert french accent —>) Le grand perdant. Instinctually, I try to avoid men who are shallow, misogynists, assholes, users, players, liars; Yet this past year it seems as though I’ve dated all of the above. My love life is like tip-toeing over broken glass trying not to get hurt and I always feel ashamed when a love interest hurts me. I’m embarrassed that I continuously, voluntarily give jerks the key to my heart, along with the power to break it. Inevitably, I blame myself for missing the blatant clues earlier on & for not treading more carefully. I always try to look for the best in people, put in the effort to sift through the dirt hoping to find a gem of a man, yet end up with dirty hands and a lump of coal.
I know what you’re thinking: Get on OkCupid, or on Tinder, get involved in the community, get out there, it shouldn’t be hard for someone like you to find a solid man. It’s easy! You’re just looking in the wrong places.
“Easy???” — it’s been hard. Actually It’s been really fucking hard. Men LOVE to have a pretty girl who gives them their space, allows them to play, turns a blind eye, is quick to forgive, and dumb enough to forget, one who isn’t too smart, who won’t catch on to the games or see past the smoke of perpetual lies and deceit.
So far this year, the jokes I’ve dated:
- A very successful yet extremely selfish Sicilian, father of 3 going through a divorce who merely wanted a womans touch to remind him he was still a man.
- A controlling insecure privileged sociopath with a Napoleon complex who thought he could bully his way into my heart and buy it.
- An old guy who would probably need medication to keep up with me and merely wanted a trophy wife.
- A tightly wound passive-aggressive who scared the shit out of me.
- An entrepreneur who had a Bentley, a Benz, an Amex black yet constantly cried about how broke he was.
When will this end? Maybe never, maybe I just attract all the wrong men. Perhaps the Universe doesn’t have it in my stars (just yet). I am Earth and believe my Jupiter is out there; to protect me, love me, be in love with me, stick up for me, defend me, support my dreams, make me laugh, not cheat on me, be proud of me, stand by my side. LOL, you may think this is basic relationship 101, but hasn’t been for me.
I’ve been told, I should ignore the games men play (and boys will be boys) & I shouldn’t call them out on their games. So, I tell those who advise me to “dumb it down”: that no smart, decent, educated, self-respecting human being with self-worth would ever consciously subject themselves to feelings of inadequacy or an unfair imbalance when it came to their partners dedication to work, friends and love, allowing family, work or friends to judge or influence the relationship. Friendship or otherwise.
When a man looks at me in the eyes and starts to bullshit, I can only imagine that my face looks the same as when I step in dog shit. CAVE CANEM!