Let’s not be judgmental about this. We’ve all had one night stands. You’ve had one night stands. I’ve had one night stands. Who cares, really? As long as we’re safe, we’re unattached, it’s fun and it’s probably the most exercise I get in a week. You enjoy each other’s bodies but not each other.
Sadly, not everyone has the emotional capacity to engage in such. Ideally, it may be an appealing concept but some people may not be able to detach feelings derived from the bedroom from the feelings derived to the person.
So, dear reader, here are ten signs that your one-night stand means more to you than it should be:
1. You kiss him before he leaves.
I begin with the big and most obvious one. We undersell what a kiss means. This day and age, it more or less seems like a precursor towards the wonderful world of sex. However, and feel free to call me old-fashioned and hypocritical here, I do believe that kisses are quite special and we can all learn about another person from the way they kiss.
…Which is problematic in a one-night stand, especially when you’re saying good-bye. You have tangled with each other bodies, explored every single crevice you thought you have (and more!) Now, why am I being so conservative here about saying good-bye?
Because one-night stands are never about connecting emotionally. If you kiss someone after you got what you’ve wanted, it’s like bluffing in poker when all cards are already revealed. You have opened yourself to vulnerability and to kiss someone is to let that person be part of you again, making you, if only for a short time, whole.
2. You oversold the sex.
Sometimes sex is just so wonderful. Most of the time, it isn’t. Most of the time, it’s just fluids dripping and limbs you’re unsure of where to put. And, hey, welcome to how the real world has sex outside films.
…Which is problematic in a one-night stand because chances are the sex is mediocre (at best) 90% of the time. Sure, you might get lucky every now and then and get a stallion, but most of the time, it’s forgettable. If you record what happened, it would probably be a lot of hair and snorts and “where’s the condom?” Until you find yourself retelling the story in your head, picturing the entire scene, only this time, there are rose petals and incense and the Casanova of Casanovas, smiling at you, while his long hair flows through the wind.
When you’re wondering why the best lay of your life came from a guy who you just randomly picked up while he was buying vinegar, it probably isn’t and you probably just want it to be.
3. You’re dying to tell your best friend.
We all like bragging, sure. A small part of the reason we actually sleep around is to show our frenemies we’re hotter than them. (Please admit it, even just a teeny-tiny percent is because of selfish motivations.) We all do it, we all sleep around, and talk about it over a round of Cosmopolitans, because, hey, we’re women from the 90’s and we think we’re so radical.
…Which is problematic in a one-night stand when after the act itself you’re just dying to grab your phone and text your best friend and spill every single sordid and insignificant detail. And, no, it doesn’t matter if it’s three in the morning, she has nothing better to do than keep tabs on your sex life. If you can’t wait until Friday night drinks to talk about him, it’s more than a one-night stand. If you tell your best friend what color his fucking belt was and analyzing what that could possibly mean, you have a problem, part of it is narcissism, part of it is being in denial that it’s just a one-night physical thing.
4. You ask him about his siblings.
Sibling relationships are one of the most complicated in the world. You grow up together with your brothers and sisters, you quarrel, you hate each other, you pull each other’s hair, but you ultimately love each other. This is under the premise that all families are messed up, everyone having problems with each other, but being the dysfunctional trope we all are, we all suck it up in the end and smile during family reunions.
…Which is problematic in one-night stands simply because you want him to open up to you. You, subconsciously (and consciously if you’re a manipulative bitch) know the intimacy of sibling relationships and use it as leverage against him. It takes away from the heat that one-night stands are supposed to have — in fact, it’s the ONLY thing it’s supposed to have. It makes him vulnerable and it makes you seem like a sympathetic person trying to understand what he’s going through.
By playing the sibling card, you are moving the night from passionate love to a more tender one. Definitely a no-no.
5. You fantasize about cooking his favorite dish.
Old wives say that the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Forget that, that’s simplistic and that proves why no one wants to bang Martha Stewart. However cooking someone’s favorite dish is one of the sweetest things a person can do. That’s why during sick days and mother’s day, breakfast is served at the bed. Because food is sweet, food shows you care.
…Which is problematic in one-night stands if only for that reason. You’re not going to have breakfast with him. Breakfast in bed is only for honeymooners and lovey-dovey couples. You don’t cook for him, he doesn’t cook for you. If you’re hungry, call a fucking pizza parlor. You don’t want him to be attached, you don’t want to condition him that your house is his home.
Because you want him out…don’t you?
6. You wonder what grandma would think.
Meeting the parents is the age old tripe with the overbearing mother and the disapproving father. Everyone dreads this, no one could ever possibly be too good for you. And you’ve accepted that and you’re still wishing that once you introduced your future husband to your parents they’d like him. But grandmothers are different. They’re just so…grandmotherly. They’re always so stately and dignified and wise and old, at the same time, they try their best to be in with current trends. They are the perfect people to both understand and not understand you.
…Which is problematic in one-night stands when you start enumerating what grandma likes and what grandma doesn’t. Smoker, no. Drinker, no. Hot hair, yes. Intelligent, yes. Good dresser, hmmm, I wouldn’t know what grandma would think about that. See, no one ever thinks about the parents, but the grandmother is the perfect in, the best way to introduce the guy to your inner circle.
And if you’re starting to wonder whether your grandmother is going to get a heart attack or to sponsor a mass for your soul, then this guy is definitely someone you want to bring home.
7. You develop an irrational hatred of his girlfriend (or wife, or boyfriend, or mistress, or, fine, ex).
This number presupposes that your guy is currently dating someone. But, hey, even if he weren’t, the same principles can be applied to his latest ex. This basically means that there is another person currently dating him and that person is the biggest hurdle to you being with him.
…Which is problematic in one-night stands because you don’t want to be with him. You should be able to shake it off, shake the jealousy, and, yes, shake the guilt, because we’re soulless that way. In fact, if you were to make a career as a serial one-night stand-er, you should be happy that the guy is with someone because that is the biggest guarantee there won’t be any commitment between the two of you. No. Matter. How. Much. He. Promises.
But the moment you start harboring negative feelings towards his girl, start wondering why your foot looks better than her face, start wondering what it is he sees in that cow, give yourself a reality check, understand that she may have “inner beauty” and shrug it off.
8. You consume more cigarettes.
Cigarettes are the modern way to think because, hey, thinking without cigarettes is so 1800s. It’s not necessarily the answer to the problem, but it helps lead towards that answer. Now, if you’re smoking something else, you could even say that leads to enlightenment. No matter what, if you find yourself right after your one-night stand, sitting on your balcony with your ashtray starting to pile up, that only means, you’ve been staring at the empty wall in front of you, yet your mind has been racing.
…Which is problematic in one-night stands because if there’s one thing you shouldn’t think about, it’s sex. Sex is sex, it’s messy, it’s fun, it’s wonderful. It’s something you really shouldn’t overthink, it happens, you let it go, you move on. No one, aside from philosophers who probably don’t get laid, problematizes sex. If you are getting lost in thoughts, it’s not sex you’re thinking about it’s him. And he’s already been inside you, get him out of your head.
9. You cry.
We get it, it’s emotional, we all cry one time or another. I personally do have a term for people who cry during sex but I don’t like to use it here for fear of the children. We understand it’s natural, it’s physiological, but most times, it’s not. It’s emotional. We cry when we’re sad, we cry when we’re happy. Yes, we cry when our eyes are itchy, but, seriously how many times has this happened? Tears are symbols of emotions (hence why water is the emotional element).
…Which is problematic in one-night stands because, well, first of all, who would still want to sleep with you after you’ve bawled your eyes out? And, perhaps, more importantly, if you’re putting emotions of ANY kind, whether it’s from extreme happiness, from sadness, depression, anxiety, love, irritation, frustration, excitement, what you’re having is NOT a one-night stand.
10. You send him a text message right after.
This is the pinnacle of pinnacles, not only is it not a one night stand, it also shows you’re needy. For chrissakes, you just rolled around in the sheet with him and barely ten minutes after he left you want to talk to him? It’s actually a little bit sad, really, like right before he leave, you come up with a stupid line like “Text me when you get home so I know you’re safe,” when you’re basically just afraid that the night meant more to you than it did to him, and you want that slight assurance that he remembers you, even just a little bit.
…Which is problematic for one-night stands, because needy people should be banned from this activity. Take a look at the number. It says one. It means it’s over. Sure, fine, you can do it again soon, but how soon is soon? How soon can you stand the itch in your fingers to dial his number and ask him how he’s doing? Or to ask if he’s free. Or to ask him on a date?
Honey, you have a problem. You’re not meant for this game.