Embracing The Love I Deserve

Source: Giphy

It was like a scene from the movies. We we’re standing in an empty street saying goodbye to each other. He’ll be catching a flight in few hours and I needed to get a decent sleep, it’s almost 2:00 am in the morning. Yet, it seems like neither of us really wants the night to end or go on separate ways. It’s been a long time since the last time we saw each other and spending a few hours together isn’t enough to make up for those lost days. My friend was standing not too far away, her back on us, waiting.

We stood there looking at each other, mumbling unimportant things while the things we both want to say hangs in the air. Then he kissed me. He kissed me! I think I stopped breathing for a little while. I was stunned. It felt so unreal. I have always dreamt about feeling his lips on mine again but in my dreams I always end up getting banished away. Well, I did let my fears and insecurities drove a wedge between us after all. I was the one who walked away.

I had a man who loves me despite those times when I’m being difficult. He’s someone who has enough patience with my quirks. Mostly, he’s someone I know I can trust. Though, I don’t know how to trust my heart so instead of him, I choose the guy who treated me with less affection. I went for the one who wants me because he practically needs to have a smart and pretty girl around to boost his ego. I was thinking it’s better for some douchebag to break my heart. At least it will be easier for me to lick my wounds. I’m guessing that’s also the reason some girls go for the “bad boys.” I have a rather strong personality but the thing is I’m a coward when it comes to heart matters. I’m scared to fall in love and face the pain of losing someone you cared so much about. I’d rather face a firing squad than be acquainted with that feeling all over again. I figured, I got things going on for me anyway. My dreams are finally coming true, I have amazing friends and it’s not really hard to find a date if I need one. He also seems fine sticking around as my friend and everyone’s happy as it is, why rock the boat?

Then one day, I was in a party surrounded by gorgeous looking men. Men I would have usually date. I should have been flattered with the attention I’m getting but I found myself feigning a migraine and going home early. There was that brief moment when I closed my eyes and I saw myself not in the fancy dress I’m wearing and sipping a cocktail. Instead, I saw myself wearing an oversized shirt and wrapped around his arms while talking about random things. A feeling of regret washed over me and remembering those times hurt so badly. My friend said I’m such a dumbass and for once, I totally agree with her.

Seeing him again that night, I knew our feelings for each other haven’t changed. I’m hesitating to take a step forward and he’s hesitating to go further. After all, we’re the best of friends now, what if things did not work out? Reflected in his eyes are the same fears and misery I’m feeling. I thought, maybe it’s not wise to cross that bridge, so again I walked away.

My friend who had been observing us the whole night, urged me to turn around and I’m glad I did. When he asked me to stay, I heard that achingly familiar longing in his voice. When he held me, I know I’m not going anywhere, anymore.

So as I lay there watching him sleep with his arms around me, I knew that I’m right where I belong. I knew that I’m strong enough to be vulnerable around him. Maybe I don’t really need him but I’m sure as hell that I want him in my life. I’m still scared but I know that accepting his love will not make me any less strong or independent. It only means that this time I’m being honest to my heart.

This time, I’m allowing myself the happiness I deserve with the man who loves me and respect me as much as I love and respect him. TC mark

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