When I Realized I Was Falling In Love Again

Rachel Walker
Rachel Walker

“No! Please don’t. Don’t. You. Dare!”

Was what my head was screaming to my unlistening heart that was already fluttering.

This can’t be happening again. No, not again.

I don’t want to experience anymore heartbreaks. Especially those caused by people who were unaware that they fired shots at my vulnerable heart.

My heart. My poor heart. Maybe all the pain already got to it and it no longer feels pain? Did it forget already? All that pain and sadness and suffering? All those stab wounds it received from all the people I loved but didn’t love me back? All those slash marks from the people I couldn’t love back? All those piercing arrow wounds from those I left? All those gun shot wounds from those who left me? Does it remember nothing?

I felt a tug. From my gut.

“Not good.”

I know right.

Nothing good will come out of this. Nothing will come out from liking that tall, bespectacled guy with his nice smile and calming aura. Nothing will come out from loving, or even liking, someone who wouldn’t even give a second glance at my direction. Nothing will come from falling for someone who won’t be catching me.
And I am getting tired. Getting tired of patching my heart up. Of picking up its pieces and sewing them back together. Of trying to find parts that would fit in the holes all the hurt has left. Of thinking why the heck this is happening again.

I am tired of doing all these.

Every. Damn. Time.

My knees were shaking. I couldn’t stand straight. All these internal battles, I feel so conflicted. Then I felt another tug. This time from the corner of my lips. I felt a smile creeping into my face. “We all know how this is going to end.”

I laughed.

I couldn’t help it. The tension on my nerves subsided.

We all knew how it was going to end. My head. My gut. Every fiber of my being knew. And of course, my heart knew. It always knew.

I sighed. Then I smiled. I looked at him and there it was again. The butterflies, that fluttering feeling. A feeling of anxiety started working its way up to my head but I shut it down. I’ll save those for later. I’ll deal with it when the time comes. But for now, I’ll savor this happiness I am feeling. I’ll live in this moment and deal with the scars it’ll leave later.

I know I will. I know I can.

“Try not to fall too hard, okay?” Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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